Home » Public » New Beginnings » Prerequisites for being TS?
| Prerequisites for being TS? [message #11256] |
Sat, 29 December 2007 15:03  |
Anonymous  |
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Ive been dealing with gender issues for almost 6 months now. Since the 'what if I am a woman' thought popped into my mind, my life as become consumed by this issue. At the beggining I was launched into a total panic. I was extremely depressed and suicidal (and I posted many threads on here)... Since then I've calmed down and sort of continued my obsessing, but I'm at least functional now. At this point I'm really trying to decide how valid this problem is.
I dont really fantasize about being female. Rather I try to ask myself questions and gauge the response. 'Do I feel jealous of women?', 'Would I be happier as a woman', 'Is this what I really want?', 'Am I uncomfortable as a male?', 'Do I belong with females?'.
So - what are some basic common demoninators, criteria, etc, that a person must/should have to be diagnosed with GID?
I didnt experience gender problems as a child, I dont know if I hate my body, I Dont feel jealousy towards women or feel that an overwhemling sensation that I 'belong with them'. What to do? Keep living this way until something sorts itself out?
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #11282 is a reply to message #11266 ] |
Sat, 29 December 2007 16:48  |
| Anonymous |
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Na, I havent. Over the summer I saw a psychiatrist and an obsessive compulsive councellor. I really havent found a GT in Toronto. I'm not suicidal or terribly depressed anymore, just ruminating like a M.F. I guess if my situation was more critical I'd be more hard pressed to seek out help.
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #11285 is a reply to message #11256 ] |
Sat, 29 December 2007 17:09 |
claudine 
Messages: 648
Registered: November 2007 |
Senior Member |
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| Anonymous wrote on Sat, 29 December 2007 18:03 |
Ive been dealing with gender issues for almost 6 months now. Since the 'what if I am a woman' thought popped into my mind, my life as become consumed by this issue. At the beggining I was launched into a total panic. I was extremely depressed and suicidal (and I posted many threads on here)... Since then I've calmed down and sort of continued my obsessing, but I'm at least functional now. At this point I'm really trying to decide how valid this problem is.
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Right, that really calls for a psychologist or so.
The feeling "I am a woman" doesnt come like "hey here I am", six months ago no trace of it and then suddenly it is there.
| Anonymous wrote on Sat, 29 December 2007 18:03 |
I dont really fantasize about being female. Rather I try to ask myself questions and gauge the response. 'Do I feel jealous of women?', 'Would I be happier as a woman', 'Is this what I really want?', 'Am I uncomfortable as a male?', 'Do I belong with females?'.
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Sounds more like you have lost your way in life.
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #11288 is a reply to message #11282 ] |
Sat, 29 December 2007 17:14 |
 ZoeB 
Messages: 1921
Registered: September 2007
Location: Canberra, Australia |
Senior Member
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If I can make a suggestion - apart from the repeated plea to see a Gender Specialist - please read "True Selves" by Brown and Rounsley. Read it, and see to what extent you can identify with the life stories in it, the feelings. The match was by no means exact in my case - I never dressed - but the areas that did match were unbearably poignant.
You don't sound like the typical TS that will be automatically put through the fast track. "Fast" being a relative term, by that I mean less than 3-5 years. That's not to say that you're not TS, just not typical, and so not trivially easy to diagnose.
Again, you need to see a professional gender specialist, not the common run-of-the-mill shrink. Even if you are TS, you may not have to transition. A specialist may be able to help you explore other options - or help you find out if transition is required.
Hugs no matter what your path, and we'll help as much as we can no matter what, from the Zoe of Oz
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #11291 is a reply to message #11285 ] |
Sat, 29 December 2007 17:38 |
| Anonymous |
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Yea, my new year's resolution is to see a GT:D. How's that?
Before last July if you'd ask me how much time and energy I spend thinking about gender in any form I wouldve said 'none'. However, perhaps this problem was with me the entire time, just dormant. Since I turned 15 I felt all sorts of sexual feelings, but I suppressed the issues I knew werent socially acceptable. Now, I thought it all had to do with being homosexual.. as I had no real aversion to my body or gender, or desire to be female. At age 20 I took anti-depressants and the gay dilemma was but on the side - not forgotten, but no longer an issue that I had to devote a great deal of time to. No matter what happens I can honestly say that the next 7 years were filled with happiness.
It all crashed 8 months ago, when I decided I had to stop pretending to be something I wasnt. So I took the big step and came out to my family and starting 'acting' like I thought I wanted. The euphoria was temporary as the very next thought was 'well if I'm gay then how come I'm not into anal sex'. That sparked this current situation.
So you see, there were a couple of months before this crisis where I obsessed just as much about being gay and the way I spoke. I was convinced that coming out in both aspects would surely ensure that I would live in peace.
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #11326 is a reply to message #11300 ] |
Sun, 30 December 2007 01:50 |
| Anonymous |
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Dharla,
What age.. or when did you begin having gender problems then? I would really appreciate it if you could share your experience.
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #11330 is a reply to message #11326 ] |
Sun, 30 December 2007 02:36 |
| Anonymous |
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Sorry Dharla, I saw your post about this topic on another thread, ignore my questions.
I'm feeling better now. I spent the night at work (I'm a bouncer) wrestling these questions. Sometimes I throw myself into a whirlwind of thoughts, fears, worry, panic, etc.. I end up upsetting myself a great deal.
If GID is real, then you must be born with it, no? TS activists claim they have a female brain in a male body. Supposing this is true, I wouldve had to have had SOME indication in the first 15 years of my life. Meh, we'll have to wait and see.
G'night
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #11336 is a reply to message #11330 ] |
Sun, 30 December 2007 07:23 |
jessie_c
Messages: 566
Registered: October 2007 |
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| Anonymous wrote on Sun, 30 December 2007 02:36 |
If GID is real, then you must be born with it, no? TS activists claim they have a female brain in a male body. Supposing this is true, I wouldve had to have had SOME indication in the first 15 years of my life. Meh, we'll have to wait and see.
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Some do, and some don't. There are as many ways to be transsexual as there are transsexuals. Don't worry if you don't seem to fit the "classic signs". There's no requirement for you to fit the stereotypes (as long as you stay away from CAMH...) so don't bother yourself about the way you're unique. You're you, not me, not Dharla, not Zoe nor anyone else. You're allowed to be different 
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #11413 is a reply to message #11256 ] |
Sun, 30 December 2007 16:05 |
| Anonymous |
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Classic stereotypes or not, I'm just trying to see if this makes any sense. I understand there are many variations and 'everyone's story is different', but in general there ARE a lot of common denominators.
If I had gone through this my whole life perhaps I'd be accustomed to feeling like shit, and could deal with it for many years. However, until fairly recently I was a happy young guy with a healthy social life and dreams. I was all enthusiastic about travelling again (Brazil, Japan), about becoming a paramedic, I was content with my large size, I liked the way clothes fit me, I loved my sport. Now, my life is consumed by this shit. I'm pissed off that whatever higher power let me soak in happiness for years and then yanked it from under me like a rug.
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #11421 is a reply to message #11413 ] |
Sun, 30 December 2007 17:13 |
Derrie 
Messages: 21526
Registered: October 2007 |
Senior Member
BL3D
Chief Instigator
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| Anonymous wrote on Sun, 30 December 2007 18:05 |
Classic stereotypes or not, I'm just trying to see if this makes any sense. I understand there are many variations and 'everyone's story is different', but in general there ARE a lot of common denominators.
If I had gone through this my whole life perhaps I'd be accustomed to feeling like shit, and could deal with it for many years. However, until fairly recently I was a happy young guy with a healthy social life and dreams. I was all enthusiastic about travelling again (Brazil, Japan), about becoming a paramedic, I was content with my large size, I liked the way clothes fit me, I loved my sport. Now, my life is consumed by this shit. I'm pissed off that whatever higher power let me soak in happiness for years and then yanked it from under me like a rug.
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Sounds like some odd "chemistry" going on here. Maybe BEFORE seeking a Therapist, you should see an endocronologist? You DEFINITELY have some REAL difficult/complex problems going on here.
Dharla
Oh By the Way......you sound like a really nice person  What cha' doing after you get your life straightened out???  
sorry....slap me......it's part of my DNA (Dingy Nut Act)
[Updated on: Sun, 30 December 2007 17:16]
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #11447 is a reply to message #11421 ] |
Sun, 30 December 2007 18:50 |
| Anonymous |
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Is it possible to want to be a woman, and yet not feel like a woman?
I dont really think I feel like a woman.
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #11482 is a reply to message #11447 ] |
Mon, 31 December 2007 00:51 |
| Anonymous |
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Hello Anon,
It's been a while since I dropped in here, though it has only been three or four months this time. LOL. Not so long, now that I think about it... I have taken other vacations longer than that, over the years. Not that this is relevant... I just mentioned it, as I am going to throw in my two cents worth -- without bothering to read the other threads you have referred to. I have a little time to kill this evening, but not that much...
Anywho, I do have a couple thoughts to share...
"Is it possible to want to be a woman, and yet not feel like a woman?"
Sure. I have seen that many times... both from the more serious cross dressers (the ones for whom the motivation to CD is not sexual, but more due to gender angst... borderline androgyny's, who identify mostly as male... but with a strong female secondary "persona"), and from non-op's of my acquaintance.
By the way, from what they have told me in casual conversations, I gather the "strong female secondary persona" is not some sort of schizoid split personality... but rather, just that they have a number of personality traits, and feelings, that they feel are inappropriate to being the man that they (usually) feel like... and so, they tend to compartmentalize that side of themselves... so much so that it almost seems like the desires of another person, though it is not, really. Burying it deep... until, like any buried or suppressed psychological trait, the sub-conscious mind feels a building and driving "need" to express those traits. Like someone who buries anger usually, only to have the rage explode out of them on occasion, such CD's live pretty normal "guy" existences for periods of time. That may be days... or weeks... but, depending on the individual and their life circumstances, may also be years or even decades of "normality". And then something triggers them... and they need to let their "inner woman" out, at least for a while... before the need is vented, and their normal suppression mechanisms regain effectiveness once more -- at least until the next "episode".
Some non-op's are like this as well. Not all, but at least some. They "want" to be a woman... but not totally. The "drive" is there... but not at the intensity of a transsexual. [Although many non-op's like to consider themselves "transsexuals", and indeed they may meet some of the criteria of one, clinically they are *not* transsexuals, as their gender dysphoria is not intense enough to overcome their internal fears or hesitations -- they will not commit to a full surgical transition, where a "true" transsexual will (even if their medical circumstances are such that the surgery is certain to kill them, they still insist on it... and find a way to obtain it... which a non-op won't)].
But I digress. I mostly mentioned non-op's, as I am rather close friends with one... who definitely *wants* to be a woman, and lives a gender queer existence all the time, when not actively cross living... but who self identifies as male. Or at least "quasi" male... though not really male. But this person feels that s/he does not really feel completely like a woman... and has decided that for "hirself" that to transition fully would be a mistake, as s/he *likes* being "male" -- at least some of the time. More of the time, than s/he feels like a woman, anyway...
On the other hand... I know a local post op who went over fifty years of her life happily being a man. Totally in self denial... she never even *considered* cross dressing, dismissing any such "satanic" notions that may have crossed her mind as the work of the devil... for she was deeply religious, and thought (on the rare occasions when she let herself think at all about it) that maybe she had a slight tendency towards being gay. Something that was against her religion... and so she *very* firmly suppressed any such thoughts, turning towards her work, her prayer, her wife and children -- turning to *anything*, other than to turn towards her "inner demon", and face this issue.
It worked... for over fifty years. Then one day... she could not overcome the "beast" that tried to break free of her constant suppression. The stress of repressed Gender Dysphoria broke her completely... and only the fact that she was lucky enough that someone stopped her suicide attempt, and by shear coincidence had her committed to the "rubber rooms" of a hospital that had an experienced gender therapist on staff in it's psychiatric ward, allowed here to find the treatment she so desperately needed... to put herself back together *right* and transition to a productive life as woman, rather than to merely suppress the demon long enough to get discharged and find a new way to kill herself. (Actually, the lucky suicide attempt was her third go around at this -- which is why I feel confident in stating her probable fate without a gender therapist... as the first two times she was committed to other hospitals, with no gender therapist on staff...)
An item to note about both the CD's, and the mentioned TS, is that in both cases they were suppressing something... and when it finally broke loose from their sub-conscious, at first it was out of control. But as the issue is faced... or as the CD's let their "inner woman" out for a while... the ragged edge gets worn off the "burning need"... and it is easier to control, at least for a while. Sound familiar? You may be functional now... but if you stick this issue back into some buried compartment of your mind... don't assume it will docilely stay there forever. The deeper you bury it, and the longer it stays buried... often, the bigger the explosion when it finally burns its way back to the surface.
Many T* folks go through a phase of simply not knowing *what* they are, by the way. Of "trying on" being gay... or maybe thinking they are "only" a cross dresser... or only "whatever". The title of that book that Zoë mentioned, "True Selves", is a phrase that is often encountered in the T* community... and not just as the title of a book. For one of the hardest parts of being trans, can be figuring out who and what you are -- a very necessary first step, before any attempt at being true *to* yourself is even possible...
For some, gender dysphoria is so intense, so young, that there is no doubt in their minds... and no difficulty in self identification. But such "early onset" transsexuals are the (small) minority... by far the most common TS are "late onsets" -- which often (not always) means that they were able to find a coping strategy that worked, more or less, for them... and so were able to suppress their gender dysphoria for many years. And when those coping mechanisms finally started failing... they often have to (finally) come to terms with who they are -- and in the process, reconcile their core persona with the external persona they may have created as a defence mechanism, growing up... as well as reconciling themselves to the "oddities" many later transitioners find in themselves, with habits and hobbies they learned while living in their male persona defensive mode. Habits and hobbies that have since taken on a life of their own -- and may bring genuine pleasure to the transitioner, regardless of the fact that they are not really "gender appropriate" activities for a woman. Which only tends to further muddy already murky waters... but really is not all that relevant to anything.
Others have encouraged you to seek an experienced gender therapist (at the 519, *not* the CAMH... which is also known as the infamous "Clarke Institute", and is somewhere to be avoided like the plague...), or to at least read books such "True Selves"... both suggestions I would endorse. If you are not a "clear cut" case, internally certain of your own core identity and desired destiny... you are going to have to explore yourself. Go on a dark and deeply troublesome (in many cases) voyage of self discovery... find your own "true self". It may not be easy... and you may well need the help of an experienced guide (a gender therapist), and as much time as you personally need to find your way.
Where that "way" is, I would not venture to guess. A "serious CD"? A non-op? A transsexual? I could not say... I doubt anyone could, at present, for it sounds like you need to explore your own mind more -- at most, someone might help you find your way towards becoming true to yourself, whatever that inner self is... but until *you* figure that out, it will be hard for anyone else to "read" what is inside you....
Good luck. It can be one of the hardest things to do that anyone ever undertakes. But on the plus side... I once asked a "tranny chaser" why he wanted to marry a transsexual, anyway. His answer? That most people that he had ever dated were screwed up in one way or another, but that the (post op) TS he had met had all done some serious soul searching, had all found an inner peace with themselves that made them remarkably "sane" individuals... a sanity that attracted him to them.
Just my two cents worth... while I wind down from another "interesting" day. Being a woman is not always a bed of roses... but at least, gender dysphoria is no longer a factor. For I explored my own mind decades ago... and made my peace with the woman inside me. In my case, it lead eventually to a full transition. In yours...?
Good night.
LadyHawke
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #11488 is a reply to message #11482 ] |
Mon, 31 December 2007 04:27 |
ZoeB
Messages: 1921
Registered: September 2007
Location: Canberra, Australia |
Senior Member
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That post was... powerful stuff.
My denial was so complete, it only ended when my body started changing. One theory is that that was the only alternative to death. Not a religious thing, I just looked so awful I knew I couldn't transition.
But from the start, the only time I ever questioned whether I should have SRS was when I was actually on the operating table. I thought it was sensible to do so then, since I hadn't done it before. And after searching my heart, I knew there was no choice, I had to do this, not because I thought the future would be wonderful, but that the past was finished, I just couldn't go anywhere but forward.
"There's nothing for me here: I'm going to become a Jedi like my father." Boats, bridges, all burnt behind me, no way back, and the idea of de-transition was literally unthinkable. De-transition to what? I could never "go back" to being male because there was never a male to go back to. Nothing there, a void, just an uncertain path leading onwards.
I actually went to sleep before the anaesthetic started, at peace.
And for me, that future's been more wonderful than I ever could have dreamt.
I hang around with the Intersex crowd, since I'm bodily IS, even if psychologically TS. Many don't fit in either of the two usual genders. There's not-women, not-men, androgynes, third-sexers, true neuters... as well as the usual men and women. Being IS gives them opportunity to be themselves, and not be constrained by a gender binary that is merely a good approximation after all, not an absolute truth for everyone.
The thing is, even if your body matches either of the two usual templates, your self may not. And that's OK, it's the way things are some times.
In my case, I'm strongly and unamibuously female, which I found astonishing. I never "felt" female, just knew I wasn't a guy. I found my femininity after I started transitioning, not before. I didn't even "want to be a girl" when young, I was always a bit of a tomboy, being a boy would be an advantage. I just never managed that particular trick, it's something you're born as, not something you become. After 47 years, I just couldn't try to be anyone other than myself any more. The Joy that I've found just relaxing, just being me, and OMG I'm actually a woman after all, that is something my words can't express.
So what does this mean for you? You must find your own path, and that path may not be "100% male" or "100% female", just as long as it's "100% you". Some will criticise you if it turns out you don't fit the M or F template. So what? No-one here will, even though most of us are very, very strongly F, or we wouldn't have had to transition. We just want to help. You deserve it.
Hugs from the Zoe of Oz
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #11564 is a reply to message #11539 ] |
Mon, 31 December 2007 14:46 |
| Anonymous |
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Very informative stuff people, thanks so much.
I'm not sure if I supressed this issue or not. At age 15 or 16 I remember being scared about TSism. This is due to the fact that I would occasionally fantasize about myself sexually as female. It was a fantasy (in a sexual context) that turned me on.. although not all that much anymore. I dont remember that period too well, as it's over 10 years ago now, but I simply refused to entertain that notion. That was the end of it really. It wasnt a pressing issue that had to be supressed. I carried on struggling with the problems of sexual orientation and trying not to act feminine.
At age 20, I started taking antidepressants. That let me lead a life where I didnt have to stress so much about wether or not I was gay or what my voice sounded like (a big obsession). I was granted a life. The entire time I was on this drug (I still am), I knew that these problems had not gone away. I understood that eventually I would have to come out, but I didnt think about it a great deal. To the very best of my knowledge there was no gender problem. Either I did a fantastic job of supressing it, or it simply wasnt there.
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #11603 is a reply to message #11568 ] |
Tue, 01 January 2008 01:56 |
| Anonymous |
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I starting taking anti-depressants on the advice of my psychologist. I told her my main problem was coming to terms with my sexuality. I also told her I would supress my voice, so not to make it obvious. I would feel like talking like a flamboyant gay guy, but I never allowed myself to talk that way for fear of ridicule. That's what I saw her for, and to the very best of my knowledge those were my problems. That's what I remember worrying about. Not the shit I think about these days. As soon as I started taking medication I stopped worrying so much about either issue. Gender wasnt an issue at all.
So.. After 7 years of taking medication I began to feel the urge to stop pretending I was straight. Once I came out to my family, I felt great euphoria but then continued to think 'If I like men, then why dont I like anal sex'.. that led to this problem. I had to remind myself of the little episode that went on 11-12 years ago. It was a sexual thing.. I found it arousing to think of sexual situations where I was a woman having sex with a man. Once I started having those fantasies I starting worrying a little, nothing catastrophic, but it soon ended and I continued to worry about Gay issues.
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #11966 is a reply to message #11603 ] |
Thu, 03 January 2008 16:56 |
| Anonymous |
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I'm quite started when I read some of these posts. I cant relate at all to most of the behaviour. These days.. sometimes Im happy, at times sad.. usually just sort of numb, confused. I'm not uncomfortable exactly, I dont hate my body, and I dont really feel like a female. Yet, my mind tells me all kinds of bizarre things. It's more like an all-consuming obsession than anything else. I wake up sometimes depressed, and I ask myself why 'Because I want to be a woman and I cant be' or something in that vain. Then I think 'Do I really feel like a Woman?' - answers vary..'somewhat, yes, maybe, not really'.. usually the latter. Every woman I look at now I think 'Am I jealous?'. I look at my penis and try to gauge my reaction .. nothing really. I take my shirt off infront of the mirror and flex.. again I try to gauge how I feel.
Can you see how all-consuming this obession is?
Transitioning it absolutely out of the question.. ever. It wouldnt work on soo many levels. Not the least of which is the fact that I'm huge (get called 'big guy' all the time), with broad shoulders and a big jaw. I've always got along better with guys then girls, and all my interests/conversations revolve around typical male things. I have no idea what kind of exhistance it would be.
I feel the worst for my younger brother. We're very close... The person he loved (loves) is not the same anymore. After that day 6 months ago I've become a different person completely. He knew a gregarious, loud, jolly, humourous fellow.. I'm a shadow of that self - insecure, unambitious, introverted.. a sullen loser.
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #11968 is a reply to message #11966 ] |
Thu, 03 January 2008 17:19 |
ZoeB
Messages: 1921
Registered: September 2007
Location: Canberra, Australia |
Senior Member
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You're not a loser. Not yet.
Again, you need to see a gender specialist. You're not an open-and-shut case, but then, neither was I at your age.
Don't worry about the jaw, BTW, that can be fixed. Transition is possible for you, that's certain. What is uncertain is whether it's right for you, and you really, really don't want to be mistaken there.
You have a problem, to state the obvious. The way out of that is to do something concrete, not keep on chasing your tail. That means seeing a professional, and a good one. You'll need better than the average.
In the meantime, live, and try not to obsess. If you're a girl in a boy body, so what? Many can live with that. I did for 47 years. It gets worse with age of course. If you just relax, let things happen as they may, then if you're TS it will become obvious in due course : you won't have to worry about whether you are or aren't as you will know. And if you're not TS, seeing a gender specialist will help find out why you have these feelings, and that's the first step to doing something about them.
All of this could just be due to a glandular imbalance, easily corrected. We don't know, and until you see a good gender specialist, neither do you. But if talking about it helps, as it appears to, you will always be welcome here.
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #13277 is a reply to message #11968 ] |
Sat, 12 January 2008 15:56 |
| Anonymous |
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Yea, I'm basically alright now. My mood still fluxuates a lot, but for the most part I'm stable.. and at times happy. I'll probably have to see my doctor soon for a change in my anti-depressants, I dont think my medication effectivly controls my obsessions anymore. From what I was told that can happen with SSRIs.. I've been on this shit for years. My body probably developed a tolerance to it.
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #13509 is a reply to message #11256 ] |
Mon, 14 January 2008 15:26 |
| Anonymous |
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Broke down a little today... I was just thinking how my identity has been robbed from me. How my life has been infested and devoured by this issue. Whoever I was died last year at the end of June as soon as that thought popped into my head. I might look like the same person, but I'm just a shell really. I'm nothing.. I am devoid of ambition, clarity, or drive. It's a meaningless exhistance really. I'm not deathly depressed.. my mood swings every day, but all my energy is devoted to thinking about gender. Debating and checking myself continually (How do I feel about my body/penis/life? Am I jealous? Do I belong here or there? What will happen? Do I feel female or male? Constantly looking back into my life for signs or markers). I live in fear, uncertainly, unhappiness and dread - that this voice will only be satisfied if I take that step, ostrasize and deform myself...
Let me ask one question.. A TS feels like a woman but is a man, so they feel compelled to undergo medical treatment to put their physical appearance in line with their mental perception. Is that right?
My mental perception is unclear. I dont feel like a woman really, or that I belong with them. Yet some force is pushing me otherwise and wont leave me alone. It wasnt there before. Go figure.
Tchau
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #13512 is a reply to message #13509 ] |
Mon, 14 January 2008 15:39 |
| Anonymous |
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I just looked at Dr.Suporn site and the pictures scared me to death.
I gotta get a grip
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #13600 is a reply to message #13521 ] |
Tue, 15 January 2008 11:28 |
| Anonymous |
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Feel good today. Working out always makes me feel better.
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #13886 is a reply to message #13876 ] |
Thu, 17 January 2008 16:29 |
| Anonymous |
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I dont want to become a woman or change my body as much as I want my obsession and depression to go away.
I actually like my body, I think I look good.
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #14355 is a reply to message #11256 ] |
Mon, 21 January 2008 01:36 |
Skye
Messages: 248
Registered: October 2007 |
Senior Member |
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Sun, 01 February 2009 18:19]
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #14442 is a reply to message #14355 ] |
Mon, 21 January 2008 10:23 |
| Anonymous |
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My dont really have a problem with my body. I still lift weights and get satisfaction from the way my muscles look when theyre filled with blood.
I look at my genitals and try and gauge how I feel... I dont hate them or feel disgust. I dont really feel anything that strongly in that regard.
I dont know what change in my body I'm after to be honest. I look at women all the time and try to desperately examine my feelings. When I see an attractive girl I feel admiration not really jealousy. Yet I cant stop obsessing about being a woman.
I see my life in two parts now. Before this summer and after... before I was this person, with this current body, and this name. Everything was concrete and I devoted my energy to sport, travelling, career dreams, etc. After this summer, I feel like a different person. I'll still respond to the name I was called, but I dont feel a connection to that guy. I'm basically a shell, I've lost all my confidence.
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #14484 is a reply to message #11256 ] |
Mon, 21 January 2008 12:35 |
| Anonymous |
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So.. After 7 years of taking medication I began to feel the urge to stop pretending I was straight. Once I came out to my family, I felt great euphoria but then continued to think 'If I like men, then why dont I like anal sex'.. that led to this problem. I had to remind myself of the little episode that went on 11-12 years ago. It was a sexual thing.. I found it arousing to think of sexual situations where I was a woman having sex with a man. Once I started having those fantasies I starting worrying a little, nothing catastrophic, but it soon ended and I continued to worry about Gay issues.
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Since I turned 15 I felt all sorts of sexual feelings, but I suppressed the issues I knew werent socially acceptable
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I would feel like talking like a flamboyant gay guy, but I never allowed myself to talk that way for fear of ridicule.
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It wasnt a pressing issue that had to be supressed. I carried on struggling with the problems of sexual orientation and trying not to act feminine.
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I feel the worst for my younger brother. We're very close... The person he loved (loves) is not the same anymore.
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It's amazing you're able to get up in the morning. It's like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. And that's not all. Somewhere along the line someone, and most likely someone in your family, placed you on a pedestal. So there you are, for all the world to see and admire. Standing on that pedestal like a greek adonis, while secretly juggling all those repressed feelings and needs. Feelings that are not socially acceptable. Needs to be free and act in a manor which may subject you to ridicule. So what do you do?
Maybe it's time to get off the Pedestal again. Being on that pedestal and feeling like a fraud can be a bit challenging. Sure it feels good, but those good feelings come with at an enormous cost. The cost of not being able to be who you are.
The euphoria you experienced when you came out to your family means something. What you need to understand is what that something is. Maybe it simply felt good stepping down from that pedestal. Leaving all those responsibilities behind for a moment. Maybe it's time to get off the pedestal for good.
You will find a lot of help and support at BL if and when you decide the T path is the one you want to follow. You are still young. Take the time now to understanding who you really are and what it is that will bring you happiness.
Good luck,
Anon too.
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #14500 is a reply to message #14484 ] |
Mon, 21 January 2008 14:16 |
| Anonymous |
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I tried pass as a straight masculine (or more accurately -non feminine) male. From the ages of 15-20 I struggled with those first two descriptions, not the last. Before that my exhistance was fairly typical, without any TS markers present at all. At 20 I was put on anti depressants and once again my life was a pleasure to live. I knew all along that I had sexuality issues, but I just put them aside. Not really admitting or denying my sexuality. I was attracted to whomever and that was that, I didnt stress about it. I didnt really concern myself about how I acted either. I was never androgynous. Very male features and body.
Anyway when the gender issue hit me last july, it was very hard. Indeed I experienced a tremendous amount of pain and sadness for the next two months. I entertained thoughts of suicide daily. Since then I've recovered. I'm not in a crisis or severe depression.. I'm just looking for a way to return to the pre-summer version of me.. I'm looking to be happy again.
Posting on this forum helps... it's very cathartic
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| Re: Prerequisites for being TS? [message #14769 is a reply to message #14556 ] |
Tue, 22 January 2008 13:30 |
| Anonymous |
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Before and After the anti-depressants I dont think there was any genuine TS feelings really. Certainly none before the age of 15.. anything after that was in a sexual context.
I went from no GID to extreme GID in the blink of an eye. Since then it's gotten better, to the point where I can function and experience a fairly painfree - at times happy - life. It's still a very real problem..
My goal now it to restore my mental health and confidence to pre-summer levels. I'll have to try both the medical and therapy route.
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