| Figure me out? [message #107534] |
Thu, 08 July 2010 01:42  |
Anonymous  |
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Hello everybody... First of all, I apologize - this is probably going to be a long post. Also quite scatterbrained.
I'm a 22 year old male. Or at least, I'm technically a 22 year old male. I am bisexual, I prefer men, and I am currently in a year+ relationship with a very loving boyfriend.
Throughout my life I've always been very wierd. I've never been good at sports or anything like that, and much More timid of things like bugs and getting dirty than most kids. I can remember wrapping towels around myself and saying they were my dresses when I was jealous of my sister. I remember fantasizing about waking up as a girl when I was in elementary school. I was always a small boy, so I was always paranoid about my feminine tendencies, and I was paranoid that people would find out that I was bi - which I've known for as long as I can remember. As a result I haven't done as much exploring as I wish I had.
I've never thought I might be a girl until recently. You see, I loathe my body... especially my body hair. There was a period where I was quite overweight and thought for a long time that I had developed my discomfort with my body there. However I lost a lot of weight and now I hate my hair, my eyebrows and feel an increasing envy for most of the women I know.
I've cross-dressed, bought a few pairs of womens pants and borrowed friend's sweaters. I don't currently make a habit of doing so often however. I am thinking of buying more, since I find my 'normal' clothes somewhat depressing. I also currently shave my entire body (I'm sadly very hairy naturally) and am only comfortable showing any skin when I have been on the ball with shaving. (I love wearing shorts and shorter sleeves but I can't bring myself to when I haven't shaved.) I also hate having short hair. Hair on my head that is.
I've also started to wonder if I am really bi. I have had sex with women, but love sex with men much more - and I am not sure anymore if I feel anything other than intense envy for their bodies. I think this is the feeling I have misconstrued for attraction.
Now everything so far sounds very skewed, but I should point out that I have many straight male friends, and I enjoy a lot of traditionally male things like video-games, harder music, and traditionally male oriented humour.
Anyways, sorry for this rambly post - I need somewhere to let this out and I am having a hard time bringing myself to mentioning it to my boyfriend or anyone else... I think he may already know. I've made offhand mentions of more crossdressing and he has made jokes about me wishing I was female, but I've never actually told him and I'm afraid if I looked into transitioning he would no longer be attracted to me physically (he's very gay)... This would be a serious problem since we live together. Also I work for my father who is a die-hard catholic. (he doesn't know I'm in a gay relationship.)
Thanks! :)
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| Re: Figure me out? [message #107545 is a reply to message #107534 ] |
Thu, 08 July 2010 05:35  |
 Cynthialee 
Messages: 7009
Registered: September 2009
Location: NE Washington |
Senior Member
BL3d
Keeper of the Sacred Cleavage
Resident Herbalist |
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Hello,
Only you can figure out you, but we can have opinions now can't we. LOL
I am bisexual, and primarily prefer females to males. I will admit that alot of my atraction to women is the jealousy and envy angle. I am ok with that.
I like heavy metal music, guns and violent action movies. Still trans. So you like alot of typicaly guy stuff. Big deal. I have a friend who is more macho than most guys I know, she is a horse rancher, she shoots guns and she runs a farm, but she is definatly strait and woman despite the fact she has so many traditionaly male interests.
Anyways.....
It is ok to not fit into a perfect gender box. It is ok to have sex with women or men, neither sex partner defines your gender. Just be you.
As for your mate and your pa...
You can not live a happy life if you are bassing your happieness on the aproval and love of anouther.
(why would your boyfriend tease that he wanted you to be a girl unless he was bisexual?)...hmm?
[Updated on: Thu, 08 July 2010 05:36]
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| Re: Figure me out? [message #107598 is a reply to message #107545 ] |
Thu, 08 July 2010 14:06 |
| Anonymous |
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lol. I didn't mean that he made jokes about him wishing I was female I mean I'd say something about how I liked a girl's skirt or that I hate my stubble and he'd respond by joking that I wished I was a girl. Pretty funny misunderstanding though. His jokes aren't a big deal. If anything they make me more likely to talk to him about it.
I appreciate the posts so far. It's nice to be able to discuss this openly... It's very confusing stuff for me. >.<
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| Re: Figure me out? [message #107778 is a reply to message #107598 ] |
Sun, 11 July 2010 06:58 |
Libbietwo
Messages: 575
Registered: August 2008
Location: Springfield |
Senior Member
BL3d
BLF Moderator (Retired) |
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My question would be, does he love you because you appear male, or does he love you because of your feminine nature (if you demonstrate such, that is). Would he want anything to do with you if you were female in appearance?
But beyond those questions, how do you feel about yourself? Is you manner female? Are your thoughts more attuned to what women you know than men. Who do you feel stranger in, the company of Women or men? Start with those questions and see where you stand. Who knows, you may be perfectly happy the way you are now!
Above all, this is a question of identity, and just how strongly as well as how in your mind you relate to one sex or the other. You've got to know, by as many tests as you can devise just how you best relate to the world, and how you wish it to relate to you. I suspect that it's going to get expensive any way you decide to go, one way or the other.
Libbie
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