Home » Public » New Beginnings » Confused! (I don't know who I am!)
| Confused! [message #110261] |
Sat, 14 August 2010 17:43  |
Anonymous  |
|
|
|
OK, first of all, hi! I'm about to be 15 (yeah, kinda young, huh?) and a male, well at least my sex is. But that's where I'm confused. My gender. To simply put it, I don't know who I am, gender-wise. And as you can imagine, that sucks.
Till about three quarters of a year ago, I thought I was a.... well, different boy. I never liked sports, never wanted to play sports, let alone watch them, never wanted to get dirty, or touch bugs, or fight, or anything like that. Which sucks, cuz all my guy friends did, and I learned that I should just suck it up and do it, so I could fit in.
Now-a-days, I have about 2 guy friends, one whom I almost never see anymore, and one who's... a bit of an a-hole. I also have about 10 friends that are girls and counting! I just kinda get along with them more than guys. Oh, and to answer one of your questions, I'm "straight". Well, that's what my friends would say. I am attracted to girls, and not guys, but if I happen to be transsexual, then would that technically mean I'm gay? I dunno.
Since as long as I can remember, I've had this fantasy in my deep sub-conscious about turning into a girl. Throughout my childhood, it would pop up every now and then, then go back into the deep sub-consciousness of my brain. It really came back three quarters of a year ago, where I was reading an online story about a guy who was turned into a girl, and I kept imagining how great that would be if it happened to me. I didn't know why, until I stumbled upon the COGIATI. It first told me I was an androgyne, and I thought "That actually kinda makes sense.". But then, I was kind of hoping for that answer, so I tried to get as many feminine answers as I could, without completely lying. Then I took more tests, and almost every one said I was more of a girl. But again, I was aiming for that answer. But THEN, I got to thinking that maybe I was over-reacting, and that I'm not so girly as I thought. So, to make sure, I took the COGIATI again, trying to stay true to my answers, and this time, I got Probable Transsexual. Oh boy.
So, here I am. Confused as hell. Wanting to discover who I really am. Androgyne, Transgender, Transsexual, or something else? Maybe you can help? I'll give you more random info about myself to help you. Thanks!
Whenever I play a MMORPG, I make a girl character and a guy character. The guy character is so that I don't feel like I'm lying to other people. The girl character kinda makes me feel better somehow. I've thought about hormones, but I don't think I'm ready for that right now. But I have thought about being a girl. I'm not sure if that's something I want. I'm fine with my male body, but not with my... thing in between my legs. I hate that thing. I cross my legs like a woman would do naturally, but when I'm in public, I do it like a man would, as to not embarrass myself. I've never cross-dressed before, and I'm not sure how I would feel if I did. I'm really interested in MtF stories, fiction or non-fiction, mostly fiction. I am also interested in movies with guns and explosions. I'm not a huge fan of Twilight.
Well, that's it. Hopefully that was enough...
|
|
|
| Re: Confused! [message #110263 is a reply to message #110261 ] |
Sat, 14 August 2010 18:17  |
Narcheska 
Messages: 961
Registered: October 2009 |
Senior Member |
|
|
Based on what you write, I'd say none of us here are really qualified to say whether you're transsexual or not. Personally I'd say... it's possible. A disappointing answer isn't it? I think the best thing you can do is look for a gender therapist. He'll help you work through your thoughts and feelings, and "in the end" you'll have to decide what is right for you. Only you can know that.
Your experience with the COGIATI (did you read the disclaimer?) sounds quite familiar. The answers to the questions are quite obviously pointing towards male or female. The problem with retaking it is that you wonder if you can't be more "honest" in your answers, so that the result will turn in your favor. And the more you know about the subject, the more inaccurate the tests will be. There's a reason why the disclaimer of the COGIATI says that it's not a scientifically valid test, but an incentive for researchers to develop one that is scientifically sound. And there's also a reason why it doesn't exist yet! 
A silly question: When you play an MMORPG, and you play a girl character. Do you play as yourself? Your own personality, feelings, emotions, ... or do you play a role? And how does it make you feel? Does it feel natural, or does it feel like an act? How do other players perceive you? As male or female in real life? Those games have the advantage of removing all physical limitations, and make it possible to be yourself (or someone else) if you choose to be. It's an interesting ground for experimentation, and exploration of your own feelings. But keep in mind that it's a game, and it's online.
In short: Experiment when and where you can to find yourself. Find a gender therapist to guide you along the path of self-exploration. And watch out for confirmation bias when messing around with those silly tests.
|
|
| | |
| Re: Confused! [message #110267 is a reply to message #110266 ] |
Sat, 14 August 2010 19:21 |
| Anonymous |
|
|
|
|
I can honestly say I felt a little elated to find out that I got probable transsexual. but I'm not entirely sure if I am transsexual. probably not, just transgendered, but idk.
|
|
| |
| Re: Confused! [message #110273 is a reply to message #110271 ] |
Sun, 15 August 2010 05:15 |
 Libbietwo
Messages: 575
Registered: August 2008
Location: Springfield |
Senior Member
BL3d
BLF Moderator (Retired) |
|
|
Note: the following is a copy of a response I made several years ago to a spouse of a transitioner. Some of the advice you might find of use, for it seems to have held up remarkably well over the years.
Libbie
I have a few suggestions that I developed as a result of my desire to change. If you would be pleased to share them with your spouse, perhaps you can discuss them and see where things are for you. See what impact they might have on your life as it now stands. I would like to emphasis YOU ARE A COUPLE, I dearly hope you remain such. I really hate to see folks break up over this, even if embracing the dynamics of the situation tears at some fundamental concepts we have about what constitutes a marriage.
Now, the following "Advice" is given with the idea that Transsexuality is the goal we are after, the actual changing from a male expression of self to a female one. Of course anything less is outside of my personal experience, but from first hand knowledge, these are some things that come to mind that should be considered in a transition environment.
First, counseling scares the heck out of me even though it's certainly helpful within certain caveats. At the very least it should be with a gender therapist and not someone unfamiliar with the ground. I dislike conventional therapy because the view of a relationship to too narrow. They focus on splitting up a couple, and that goes against my grain in a big way. The reasoning on there part is clear...They see it as a means for the MtF to better identify as being a F. Being married confuses the issue for them, and they feel it does the same for the couple as well. I take an entirely opposite tack...that a relationship isn't between sexes as much as it is between souls. I hate to see couples split up, but I certainly know and accept that relationships flex and morph over time, as all things do. I can also see where professional help is useful. Now if you could find a person that believes in keeping you together, and willing to help you work out issues you cannot see clearly yourselves, then this is to the good! As to sexuality...that is too much for me to handle...you will work it out or you won't. I think if we identify with the total unity of what the two of you represent and see what it takes to keep the matrix whole, abet modified, you both stand a better chance of coming through this with your relationship intact.
Second, The total picture should be considered, you must pool your resources together and see what this will cost, both monetarily and emotionally. You will both be tested to the ends of your patience in this, I assure you. There is no guarantee that the relationship will survive ...... unless ... You MAKE it survive. You neglected to tell me the results of the Cogniti. The key to this test is that you must be honest with yourself. AS a place to start, I recommend that you both accept the results at face value. It is not scientific, but it does serve as an indicator. I would encourage you both to accept this as a starting point for now, and use it as your basis of departure on this journey. I suspect your position is one of denial, if I may be frank, insofar as you dispute the "findings." If your spouse did fudge, then the cheating will simply give a false reading. The key point of the test is that it's really not what a test says about you, but how you feel about the test. The conditions upon which the questions are based are rooted in the understanding of the relationship between the sexes. To get into this topic a little better I really recommend a through reading of Mental Relativity, the battle between the sexes, in Melanie Ann Phillips web page which you will need to do a web search for. It is most enlightening, even if you do not agree with it in total.
Just take it in for now as one more factor in all that needs to be considered.
Third, Please do not slant the facts, how can you reach a clear result if you distort your consideration points? When I took the test, I found myself to be exactly mid way between the poles. I address the following to your TS spouse. The test does nothing but show potential, where you might be. it does not define. No test defines. YOU DEFINE. YOU set the standard, and YOU bear the responsibility for this. YOU are hurting yourself and your spouse if you pass the buck and responsibility on to your partner. This is YOUR BABY, and you must deal with it, You took a commitment to love your spouse, but in order to do that you must understand and appreciate yourself and be true to that self. A relationship of love can be a great source of strength to you. Don't freeze her out of your life. I believe totally in the right of self determination, but I also deeply believe in being RESPONSIBLE for your actions. If this deal goes sour, deal with it with the best good grace that you can. Suicide is NOT an option. You are doing this to embrace a life, to make yourself whole. Death will come soon enough, no need to encourage it. My Recommendation is: Start this whole project with prayer, there is a great resource in prayer, don't disregard it. Be not deceived, this is a new life we are talking about here. Contradictions are bound to exist. How could they not? You cannot build a bridge without tearing down the old. yet traffic still has to pass. You must demolish a little at a time and rebuild as you go rerouting traffic as you must. Just develop and keep a mental discipline so as not to confuse where you are in the building process. What I would ask is to go beyond the myopic expectation of what passes for religion these days, and go to the core of the matter. What actions best see to it that you achieve a true understanding of self and with that bring the fullness of who you really are to your relationship. Time to put aside the lie, the denial of what you have had to be in order to survive, if you think you can.
Now then, the mind is going to change on hormones. Your perceptions will morph over time, and attitudes you hold now may shift. But one thing will remain consistent, the core identity that you have as female will broaden. Where you set the limits of that change is a personal decision, and your relationship may well shift from being a partner as you are now, to being close knit friends. This is something that needs to be considered insofar issues of intimacy are at stake.
Fourth, finances are a huge factor in this. If money is a source of contention now, it will do nothing but intensify as time goes on. This is an expensive undertaking!
Personally, I did not begin transition until I felt that I have a good handle on my financial picture. Prejudice in society affects the security of your financial basis to transition. You may actually be threatened by Job loss. You need backup plans in place. Either deep consultations with employers about your plans, or saving to a point where you can effect a transition and then find employment as a female after the necessary efforts to blend in to the environment are attained. The goal is to become a woman, don't lose sight of this. Anything less is hurtful to your effort. I personally feel that if you stand on your faith that this can be done, it will be done, by some means or another. This includes the "impossible" things such as HRT, Facial surgery, and eventually SRS. That means very deep pockets going into this. You need a job, yes? You cannot pay for this out on the street, yes? By the way, please note: Females get paid much less then Males do, based on the difference between the "perceived" aggressive tendency of testosterone, and the nurturing effects of estrogen. Another prejudice, but there it is. That said...there ARE other jobs. Self employment, home based businesses, sympathetic employers. Plus, the climate is changing. slowly to be sure, but tolerance does have a foothold, after a fashion. Check government jobs, which is probably the best source of equal opportunity work going. Or keep on in your current job and tuck away every cent you can. Give up smoking, movies, extra perks. Cancel Newspaper subscriptions. Substitute quality time with the spouse. Card games with friends, change to a simplified lifestyle.
Fifth, (maybe this should have been first). Never underestimate the power of this desire to become whole, for that is exactly what this is. It is a total commitment. The desire is to do this or die trying, and be coldly aware, it may actually come to that. The pressure to transition can become so great that it consumes a person. The desire to be total strikes at the very definition of our reason to live, to BE and achieve an identity so long denied. Everything you are doing, all the resources you put into this is to make a person whole for the first time in there life. Your are both bringing a hopefully healthy soul into being...At what price is that? Hating what one is when there is a means to become what one should have been is very compelling. That your SO is contemplating this is actually a good positive sign. It tells you "she" wants to live...totally whole, but as a woman.
Sixth: For myself, transitioning earlier in life would have been so much better in terms of integrating all of my perceptions. Yet, I have to think that when this idea sinks in and starts to emerge is the best time to act on it. My reasoning is as follows. My waiting gave me a chance to thoroughly understand the various facets of myself, my money situation had become stable, after a fashion, and I had the time now to reflect on all the changes that are whizzing past. The transition has also brought clarity to my growing up years, as to why I felt the way I felt. The creativity that your spouse now has is I feel repressed as a part of the fact that he is TS. Being pre-transition means all of "her" is not expressed. Being male restricts the expression of that lovely creative feminine side. I found I was not able to access that part of myself until I had reached certain plateaus in my thinking. Cross dressing, then an orchiendectomy, then a period where I took no hormones at all (six months) , then hormones and electrolysis has each brought levels of awareness that opened up new ways of thinking about myself, and confidence in my ability to do this. Another point to be considered is as confidences rise in one's ability to transition, societal pressures mount to dissuade a person from this path. It is this understand which can give you the strength to continue on, and overcome this prejudice.
Seventh: and last <whew> Draw up a value chart. How important is money, rate the value of keeping friends, consider the prejudice you will face, put a value on remaining together. Then, determine the total cost weighed against the value of becoming a whole person. I have made my determination for myself, I hope that you make yours together in the mutual considerations of each others need.
|
|
| |
| Re: Confused! [message #110281 is a reply to message #110276 ] |
Sun, 15 August 2010 11:13 |
| Anonymous |
|
|
|
|
I know my dad is gay-friendly, that's all I know. And I'm a little scared to tell my parents about it...
|
|
| |
Goto Forum:
Current Time: Sat May 19 16:38:15 PDT 2012
Total time taken to generate the page: 0.05279 seconds
|
Members
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
