Home » Public » New Beginnings » I need opinions, please (I don't know where else to ask and get advice on this.)
| I need opinions, please [message #155859] |
Fri, 13 January 2012 11:08  |
Anonymous  |
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Alright, i'll start off by saying that you can call me Iago (not my real name, but I figured it'd be nice if you had something by which to address me by). I'll tell you a little about myself, since I believe that the more information you have, the better you may be able to help me. I was born biologically female, and raised as such. I was adopted by my grandparents at the age of seven, after many years of custody battles. During this time, neither my mother nor my father were present, and my father is still not present in my life, and my mother only a small influence. My grandparents are of an older generation, christian and a mix of conservative and liberal. My grandmother suffers from depression, anger issues, and anxiety problems. I suffer from Manic Depression and anger issues, most of which stem from her and my relationship to her. At the current moment, I am seventeen, and currently looking at colleges to attend.
Now, then. Here is what I would like advice on. From the time that I was about ten, I had noticed that I was attracted to both men and women. At first, I didn't believe myself to bisexual or gay, mostly due to the teachings of my grandmother. She's a good woman, but her ideas about homosexuality, transgender-ism, and the like are fairly outdated. To her, gay people had a hormonal un-balance and that was outside their control, and while god may not approve of it persay, she did believe that they would go to heaven. Bisexuals, however, were an entirely different matter. Many times during my life, she told me that bisexuals were "Content to sleep with anything". Needless to say, when I truly realized that I was bisexual, I had a lot of reservations about coming out to her, and my family, some of whom were a lot worse on the matter then she was.
Eventually, I came out. This happened due to an extremely bad year in which I became very sick (My junior year) And several major factors, including my grandmother halting her medication and a bad break up with a boyfriend, led me to see a therapist. After talking with her for a while, I became firm in my belief that I was bisexual, and was able to accept it to the point that I dated a lovely young woman for nearly a year. I started to be happy, and more content with myself. Since then, I have not once questioned that I was bisexual (except when I thought perhaps I was pansexual, but that is another matter).
For the past year and a half, however, I have been thinking about something. I realized that, during my entire life, I Never felt truly like a girl. I was a huge tomboy, even from a young age. I was the kid that dressed like a boy as a child, went out and caught bugs, wrestled with my brother and his friends (And won). I was always more masculine. I Always found myself more surrounded by boys and feeling more comfortable in their presence then I do with girls. Even now, I'm the same way. I would rather wear a tuxedo then a dress, and I would rather kick back in jeans then a skirt. For what society says for the female gender, I Really don't fit in, and I Don't feel like I should. When I Take in depth personality exams, I find that I have not once ever scored above a twenty percent in femininity. In fact, most of the time, my levels of masculinity are higher then my male friends. I don't exactly look like a boy now...I'm overweight,short, lots of hair and blue eyes. However, whenever I envision myself in the future, in the life that I want to live in which everything I want happens, I Am always a boy. It's strange for me to think this, and I realized that if I had ever been given a choice, I would've been a boy every single time I was asked. To me, in a way, it seems more natural and desirable to have male genitalia then it is to have female.
That said, I do not feel uncomfortable in my own body. I never really have. I'm not disgusted with having female genitalia or anything like that, and in truth, sometimes I Don't feel female or male, or identify with either. That's why I would like some help. I'm trying to figure out if I am transsexual,transgender, or something else. And if I am, does anyone believe that it would be in my best interest to pursue a gender change? I'm already wary of this, because although my grandmother and family says that they would be supportive of me no matter what, I know that my grandmother still has a problem with my bisexuality, and has called me derogatory terms because of it on different occasions.
Thank you for taking the time to read all of this,and I hope I can find someone out there who can help me.
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