Home » Public » New Beginnings » I want to be brave (but I am scared )
| I want to be brave [message #69122] |
Thu, 01 October 2009 20:13  |
Anonymous  |
|
|
|
I want to say to my friends: Use my female name. Instead I cringe it back and tell them my birth name. I look like a man, I am hideous to myself. I know that as a man I am buetiful. I hear it all the time and am rewarded sexualy by men and women alike. I hate that I am a coward.
I want to be free. I think about my sisters and brothers who died at the hands of hate. I am a coward, I can't be free.
I would castrate myself if I wasn't afraid of bleeding out. Again I am a coward.
Afraid to be the woman I know I am. Afraid of myself and what some one else might say.
I would go get my gun and fucking pull the trigger but again I am a coward. I can't do it. I know, I have been to that place with a gun at my head. Afraid to die afraid to live....
WTF am I doing here?
Why would a benevolent god make my soul burn in this hell.
I feel so isolated and dead inside.
I wish I could just be brave and say: "I am a lady, treat me as such."
|
|
| |
| Re: I want to be brave [message #69127 is a reply to message #69124 ] |
Thu, 01 October 2009 20:52  |
| Anonymous |
|
|
|
|
The link in the above post is a dead link.
|
|
|
| Re: I want to be brave [message #69128 is a reply to message #69127 ] |
Thu, 01 October 2009 21:40 |
| Anonymous |
|
|
|
That's weird. I just tried it and got through:
http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html
All I can think of is that the iPod Touch I was using capitalized the file extension. Anywho, try this link I copied it directly from the web page.
~the Shadow~
|
|
| |
| Re: I want to be brave [message #69170 is a reply to message #69122 ] |
Fri, 02 October 2009 09:27 |
Miri
Messages: 2412
Registered: October 2007
Location: Camberwick Green, United... |
Senior Member
BL3D
BLF Moderator (Retired)
Tree Shaman
Woods Elf |
|
|
| Anonymous wrote on Thu, 01 October 2009 21:13 | I want to say to my friends: Use my female name. Instead I cringe it back and tell them my birth name. I look like a man, I am hideous to myself. I know that as a man I am buetiful. I hear it all the time and am rewarded sexualy by men and women alike. I hate that I am a coward.
I want to be free. I think about my sisters and brothers who died at the hands of hate. I am a coward, I can't be free.
I would castrate myself if I wasn't afraid of bleeding out. Again I am a coward.
Afraid to be the woman I know I am. Afraid of myself and what some one else might say.
I would go get my gun and fucking pull the trigger but again I am a coward. I can't do it. I know, I have been to that place with a gun at my head. Afraid to die afraid to live....
WTF am I doing here?
Why would a benevolent god make my soul burn in this hell.
I feel so isolated and dead inside.
I wish I could just be brave and say: "I am a lady, treat me as such."
|
I think many of us understand how you feel. I hid who I was for many, many years. If it wasn't for BL and one woman here in particular, who befriended me, I might still be in that place or worse.
This is a refuge and a place to feel safe and gather encouragement form others who feel and have felt the same way you do.
Hang around a while. We truly understand how and why you feel the way you do.
Miri
|
|
| |
 Re: I want to be brave [message #69296 is a reply to message #69122 ] |
Sat, 03 October 2009 07:16 |
| Anonymous |
|
|
|
How to do all of this:
Never mind about duty to God and country and society and family and friends. To be sure, that all has it's place.
First thing ya gotta do is your duty to your own self.
You do what ya gotta do to get your own self straightened out. Bravery not required. But inner strength and determination is a requirement.
In the history of mankind, nothing worthwhile was ever achieved by individuals conforming to the preconceived notions of society.
If you are TS, you don't need anyone to tell you that. Certainly some folks need a certain degree of guidance in navigating the process of making themselves whole.
First society unloads both barrels on you for proclaiming that you were born in the wrong body. And then that very same society makes you jump through its hoops in order to effect a solution to your issue. Ironic isn't it? Some proclaim to know and to understand. But do they? It is virtually impossible for them to do so and the best one can hope for is sympathy.
George Patton one remarked that no one ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor bastard die for HIS country. He was right.
To sail upon the sea that will make you complete and at peace with your own self you need to find inner strength. Being brave has little to do with it.
You do what you must. There are those who will give support and encouragement when the theory of corrective surgery is presented to them. And then they will falter in their understanding and support when the reality of a post op you walks by them.
Ya don't have to be brave to do that, just strong. When Kennedy gave that famous speech about landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to earth, he said that we do thins, not because it is easy, but because it is HARD.
When you do get to the point that you've had your surgery done, you tend to spend considerable time dwelling on that. Give the devil his due in that regard. Take the time you need. When you're done reflecting upon that monumental event in your life, put it to rest. Don't, by any means shape or form, let a surgery be the single defining moment of your life. We are so much more then that. You need to put all that behind you and move on. Not to discourage you, but from where you are now to the surgery is only part of the process.
You need to let go of the past, of the trauma, of the surgery and the fact that you once WERE a TS. Once you've had surgery you are simply you, WOMAN. Period.
Surgery is an event horizon. You take this journey in steps. From zero to surgery and then there is BEYOND. Society will still have preconceived notions about you in beyond. It is SOCIETY who will attempt to make your surgery the defining moment in your life. There is where you must be determined.
Society will win only if you allow it. Once surgery is complete and you've given the process it's due through personal reflection, you need to move on. You need to gab hold of every opportunity the world presents you. You need to focus not on your past, but on your present and what you hope to accomplish. Just as being pre-op can dominate your life (and with good reason), so can the other side of the proverbial coin. Don't let it.
The calling of some is to help others and that is fine. The calling of others to reach to the world about the condition, and that is fine as well. Yet for others, the calling is to be and to think and to create and to do. To be good at that, you need to focus on it. You need to ignore the comments and the discrimination and you need to stop defending your life decisions.
It's not important that the world understands why you did what you did. It's not important that the world knows all of the gritty little details. What is important is to show the world that you will not be sidetracked by their hang-ups and their fears. It's not you who needs to be brave, it's them. And when society attempts to step on you, you have to have the strength to step right back, and with a vengeance they'll not know how to handle.
You need to set goals and go after them. Once society sees that you can not be shaken or forced into a submissive shell then will they come to understand their fears and begin to get over them.
YOU need to be in control. When they realize their own weakness and that fewer and fewer people are dancing to the beat of their drum, well, that's when it really gets neat. People can't be forced to change. You have to show them that you are by no stretch of their imagination are what they think you are.
Trust me on this. Been there, done that.
So don't think you need to be brave to do what you'd like. All ya need is a determined, deep resolve. And is you lose friends and family along the way, oh well. How worthy were they to begin with?
Thinking of mutilating yourself? Been there too.
Thinking of taking the Big Out? Been there as well.
All you do with those thoughts is waste energy and time. And that is NOT easy for me to say, cause remember that I've been there myself.
Focus of getting the surgery. That is STEP ONE.
Reflect upon and put to rest the keep points of the long hard journey and the wonder of a post surgery you. That is STEP TWO.
Attack life with a firm resolve. Don't look for understanding or compassion from the world. It is quite reluctant to give it.
Don't look for "rights" or freedom. Don't beg for that to which you were born with. You don't go asking, you lay down the law and make it clear that you will not tolerate anyone trying to strip your rights from you. And make it very clear to folks that you will grind them into the dust if they want to rain on your parade of life.
THAT is STEP THREE!
And trust me on this as well, She lived happily ever after.
There are folks who run this place who know me. Guess who? I'm alive and well, doing GREAT. Oo-rah!!!
|
|
| | |
| Re: I want to be brave [message #69437 is a reply to message #69296 ] |
Sun, 04 October 2009 05:41 |
| Anonymous |
|
|
|
| Anonymous wrote on Sat, 03 October 2009 10:16 | How to do all of this:
Never mind about duty to God and country and society and family and friends. To be sure, that all has it's place.
First thing ya gotta do is your duty to your own self.
You do what ya gotta do to get your own self straightened out. Bravery not required. But inner strength and determination is a requirement.
In the history of mankind, nothing worthwhile was ever achieved by individuals conforming to the preconceived notions of society.
If you are TS, you don't need anyone to tell you that. Certainly some folks need a certain degree of guidance in navigating the process of making themselves whole.
First society unloads both barrels on you for proclaiming that you were born in the wrong body. And then that very same society makes you jump through its hoops in order to effect a solution to your issue. Ironic isn't it? Some proclaim to know and to understand. But do they? It is virtually impossible for them to do so and the best one can hope for is sympathy.
George Patton one remarked that no one ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor bastard die for HIS country. He was right.
To sail upon the sea that will make you complete and at peace with your own self you need to find inner strength. Being brave has little to do with it.
You do what you must. There are those who will give support and encouragement when the theory of corrective surgery is presented to them. And then they will falter in their understanding and support when the reality of a post op you walks by them.
Ya don't have to be brave to do that, just strong. When Kennedy gave that famous speech about landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to earth, he said that we do thins, not because it is easy, but because it is HARD.
When you do get to the point that you've had your surgery done, you tend to spend considerable time dwelling on that. Give the devil his due in that regard. Take the time you need. When you're done reflecting upon that monumental event in your life, put it to rest. Don't, by any means shape or form, let a surgery be the single defining moment of your life. We are so much more then that. You need to put all that behind you and move on. Not to discourage you, but from where you are now to the surgery is only part of the process.
You need to let go of the past, of the trauma, of the surgery and the fact that you once WERE a TS. Once you've had surgery you are simply you, WOMAN. Period.
Surgery is an event horizon. You take this journey in steps. From zero to surgery and then there is BEYOND. Society will still have preconceived notions about you in beyond. It is SOCIETY who will attempt to make your surgery the defining moment in your life. There is where you must be determined.
Society will win only if you allow it. Once surgery is complete and you've given the process it's due through personal reflection, you need to move on. You need to gab hold of every opportunity the world presents you. You need to focus not on your past, but on your present and what you hope to accomplish. Just as being pre-op can dominate your life (and with good reason), so can the other side of the proverbial coin. Don't let it.
The calling of some is to help others and that is fine. The calling of others to reach to the world about the condition, and that is fine as well. Yet for others, the calling is to be and to think and to create and to do. To be good at that, you need to focus on it. You need to ignore the comments and the discrimination and you need to stop defending your life decisions.
It's not important that the world understands why you did what you did. It's not important that the world knows all of the gritty little details. What is important is to show the world that you will not be sidetracked by their hang-ups and their fears. It's not you who needs to be brave, it's them. And when society attempts to step on you, you have to have the strength to step right back, and with a vengeance they'll not know how to handle.
You need to set goals and go after them. Once society sees that you can not be shaken or forced into a submissive shell then will they come to understand their fears and begin to get over them.
YOU need to be in control. When they realize their own weakness and that fewer and fewer people are dancing to the beat of their drum, well, that's when it really gets neat. People can't be forced to change. You have to show them that you are by no stretch of their imagination are what they think you are.
Trust me on this. Been there, done that.
So don't think you need to be brave to do what you'd like. All ya need is a determined, deep resolve. And is you lose friends and family along the way, oh well. How worthy were they to begin with?
Thinking of mutilating yourself? Been there too.
Thinking of taking the Big Out? Been there as well.
All you do with those thoughts is waste energy and time. And that is NOT easy for me to say, cause remember that I've been there myself.
Focus of getting the surgery. That is STEP ONE.
Reflect upon and put to rest the keep points of the long hard journey and the wonder of a post surgery you. That is STEP TWO.
Attack life with a firm resolve. Don't look for understanding or compassion from the world. It is quite reluctant to give it.
Don't look for "rights" or freedom. Don't beg for that to which you were born with. You don't go asking, you lay down the law and make it clear that you will not tolerate anyone trying to strip your rights from you. And make it very clear to folks that you will grind them into the dust if they want to rain on your parade of life.
THAT is STEP THREE!
And trust me on this as well, She lived happily ever after.
There are folks who run this place who know me. Guess who? I'm alive and well, doing GREAT. Oo-rah!!!
|
I'm an unabashed fan-girl of the person who wrote that piece!!!
~the Shadow~
|
|
| | |
| Re: I want to be brave [message #92160 is a reply to message #71143 ] |
Tue, 02 March 2010 14:09 |
| Anonymous |
|
|
|
| rach wrote on Sun, 18 October 2009 11:25 | Fear dominated my decisions about transition for years until the pain was greater than the fear.
|
ditto
|
|
| |
Goto Forum:
Current Time: Sat Feb 11 16:14:04 PST 2012
Total time taken to generate the page: 0.03922 seconds
|
Members
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
