Home » Public » New Beginnings » Question for older transsitioners..
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #33822 is a reply to message #33788 ] |
Sun, 01 June 2008 07:50   |
Anonymous  |
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Karen said:
"...you did not address the substance of what I said about criteria in your response."
Sorry, I seem to have missed your point, there... What point(s), exactly, did you hope I would address?
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #33823 is a reply to message #33770 ] |
Sun, 01 June 2008 07:53 |
 Gina 
Messages: 62
Registered: January 2008
Location: New York |
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Hello Kimberly,
Is very reassuring to find out that our processes of realization and copping are similar.That was not possible until very recently; technology has made it easier for us in that sense.
I have not transisioned yet however, in my mind I am half the way. I feel caught in the middle of the road now, I am conscious of my transexuality, and to realized that puts you in a another place.Is not an easy place to be, you feel shapeless inside, to make a decision takes double the time, at least for me.I wait from signals from the outside world to react according to my actual gender presentation. In short this type of functioning is doomed to fail, someone said that happiness is the daughter of freedom, and freedom can be only experienced when you act according to what your inner self tells you,not in a narcissistic or selfish way; with maturity, being gentle to ourself translates into gentleness to the world.
I don't question it anymore, I just try to ignore it, I am not being fair with me, I am failing to myself.In short I am not free, I am aware now I have to act.
Gender is such a important and complex thing for us humans.
And we T's reality can see gender with different eyes, as outsiders, we can see nuances that not many people can see, this is just a byproduct of our condition, and I believe is great.
So Kimberly, when I hear the word failure this is what it comes to my mind, I just wanted to share it with you.
Thank you very much everyone for your input..
Gina
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #33824 is a reply to message #33822 ] |
Sun, 01 June 2008 07:58 |
Karen_A
Messages: 3106
Registered: October 2007 |
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| Anonymous wrote on Sun, 01 June 2008 10:50 |
Karen said:
"...you did not address the substance of what I said about criteria in your response."
Sorry, I seem to have missed your point, there... What point(s), exactly, did you hope I would address?
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Here:
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No respectable gender-issues therapist will recommend that a patient embark upon the practical phase of transition (HRT, RLE/RLT, SRS and primary recovery) until any pre-existing issues are dealt with.
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First IMO no respectable therapist would or should recommend TO THE CLIENT that that they start HRT, transition and/or have SRS. That HAS to be initiated by the client and not the therapist. That is how my therapist was and that is how it should be.
In terms of recommending the client to an endo or a surgeon (the "letters") the criteria are sane and understands the ramifications and the therapist feels it is appropriate for them, NOT problem free. Heck some things can not be worked out until after transition or SRS and some issues are simply not related to transition one way or other.
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In other words on does need to and should not have to have all their issues resolved before transition or SRS. All they need to be is sane, understand the consequences and (IMO) really be TS.
- Karen
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #33829 is a reply to message #33824 ] |
Sun, 01 June 2008 09:24 |
| Anonymous |
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Reply to what Karen said about criteria.
Sorry... That sounded, to me, like a statement, rather than a question. Didn't realize you were inviting a reply...
Okay... First:
You said: "First IMO no respectable therapist would or should recommend TO THE CLIENT that that they start HRT, transition and/or have SRS. That HAS to be initiated by the client and not the therapist. That is how my therapist was and that is how it should be."
Of *course* transition, HRT and SRS should be initiated by the patient. But, where I come from, psychiatrists and therapists are, in a very real and significant way, gatekeepers, and we are, to some extent, at their mercy.
You misinterpreted me... I was speaking in terms of the clinical recommendation -- i.e.- a reference or referral, by a psychiatrist or therapist, to a specialist, for HRT, or to a surgeon, for SRS.
Second:
You said: "In other words on does need to and should not have to have all their issues resolved before transition or SRS. All they need to be is sane, understand the consequences and (IMO) really be TS."
Any respectable, ethical therapist will be concerned with your overall emotional well being. It would, in fact, be considered grossly irresponsible and patently unethical for any therapist to consider and advise upon your TS issues only, in isolation. Also, issues that may not bear directly on your transition *do* affect your overall emotional well being. And if your overall emotional state is impaired in any way, that will undoubtedly affect your ability to deal with the rigours of transition. Laying one's other issues to rest before tackling transition just makes sense. :-)
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #33834 is a reply to message #33829 ] |
Sun, 01 June 2008 09:45 |
Karen_A
Messages: 3106
Registered: October 2007 |
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| Anonymous wrote on Sun, 01 June 2008 12:24 |
Reply to what Karen said about criteria.
Sorry... That sounded, to me, like a statement, rather than a question. Didn't realize you were inviting a reply...
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Obviously my statements are opinions and I expect peopel to say something if they disagree... I don't thik I'm God!  And such discussion IMO is what helps the lurkers.
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Of *course* transition, HRT and SRS should be initiated by the patient. But, where I come from, psychiatrists and therapists are, in a very real and significant way, gatekeepers, and we are, to some extent, at their mercy.
You misinterpreted me... I was speaking in terms of the clinical recommendation -- i.e.- a reference or referral, by a psychiatrist or therapist, to a specialist, for HRT, or to a surgeon, for SRS.
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In my original post I made it cleat that might be a possibility and addressed that too.
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Any respectable, ethical therapist will be concerned with your overall emotional well being. It would, in fact, be considered grossly irresponsible and patently unethical for any therapist to consider and advise upon your TS issues only, in isolation. Also, issues that may not bear directly on your transition *do* affect your overall emotional well being. And if your overall emotional state is impaired in any way, that will undoubtedly affect your ability to deal with the rigours of transition. Laying one's other issues to rest before tackling transition just makes sense. 
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Transition may help some issues and leave other unaffected. The issues that it can help may make one more able to deal with others if for no other reason than one has more emotional energy to address them.
Yes transition creates practical difficulties and is emotionally turbulent because of relationships, but it also often gives a huge emotional lift as well. It did for me.
A good therapist would know those things and understand that other issues are not necessarily contraindications, and that people deserve a chance at what happiness and fulfillment they can achieve, even if not perfect.
Like politics, life is the art of the realistically achievable.
- karen
[Updated on: Sun, 08 June 2008 16:59]
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #33854 is a reply to message #33834 ] |
Sun, 01 June 2008 12:55 |
| Anonymous |
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Karen said:
"Like politics life is the art of the realistically achievable."
Amen.
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #84381 is a reply to message #16139 ] |
Sun, 10 January 2010 11:01 |
| Anonymous |
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By immersing myself completely in every and any project that I could find
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #84389 is a reply to message #69719 ] |
Sun, 10 January 2010 11:20 |
| Anonymous |
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Everyone who comes into this world makes a contribution. Even if you aren't cognizant of it, you do.
Wasted life?
Neh.
Life is only "wasted" if you elect to end it. Cause who knows what the future holds? Who can say what great feat you might accomplish?
Is important not to get down on yourself. Heck, enough folks out there in the world who seem to specialize in doing that for you. Right?
So that thing is pretty much taken care of. You got "people", as the saying goes. This leaves YOU free to do the things that are important to you and it leaves YOU free to get things in order.
Of all the things that I have been through, I can look back and find something to laugh about in each one of them.
It's important to do that you know.
Feeling you've wasted years?
Nuh-uh.
When the opportubity is right, you jump on it and you be thankful for having gotten the opportunity. So many never get it. And you make the best, the very BEST of it when you get it. And you don't look back with any regrets.
Yeah. Would have been great to fix things years ago. I'd agree. But for maybe a thousand minute reasons it didn't happen. But maybe NOW is the time. You have to seize the moment push forward.
If you spend time looking back you are apt to miss a million and one tiny, precious moments of beauty in both the now AND the future.
There's so very much to see and to feel and to hear and to savor. If you're not paying close attention, they'll slip right through your fingers. Gone forever.
And then you'll wind up regretting those moments as well.
The past is best left to historians. The future belongs to each and every one of us.
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #84817 is a reply to message #84550 ] |
Wed, 13 January 2010 10:16 |
Wendy C
Messages: 4340
Registered: October 2007
Location: Gateway to the West |
Senior Member
BL3D |
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Amazing how two short years can change your life when you finally let go of the past and seize on the future. When I last wrote in Jan 2008, I was just starting my transition as an older transitioner, full of questions, full of doubts, and full of fear.
I am post op now, living my life as well as I can, full of questions, no doubts, and definitely no fear now. I am contented and at peace. Although life always hands you problems, I am much better able to cope with them today than two or even 30 years ago. I will be 63 next month and have absolutely no regrets for choosing this path.
Find your path, set your goals, forget about being older. Unless you have serious medical issues (and those aren't always an impediment) you can move forward. Peace, be well, and 
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #86588 is a reply to message #16139 ] |
Sat, 23 January 2010 17:46 |
Lauren
Messages: 326
Registered: October 2009
Location: Massachusetts |
Senior Member |
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I knew what was wrong very young, but had it beaten out of me. Then came college, too many drugs (1969) and a year of drifting around the country being pretty much useless.
Then I wasted 20 years in a stupid religious cult (yes, wasted!) Left it in the early 90's and had to actually grow up.
I worked as a union electrician, got MS, ended up as a computer tech, tried as hard as I could to keep up the act.
It finally got to where I was pretty much catatonic (according to what an old friend has told me, I was too messed up to know) and finally blurting out to a therapist that I spent every night fantasizing about being a woman.
I first went to a TS support group two years ago. Now I am having SRS on March 15th in Montréal, have used up my life savings, and I am the facilitator of that support group I timidly went to. I am a case manager for the trans population at my agency, and life is starting to look like it might be worth living.
Not the end.
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 Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #87647 is a reply to message #16139 ] |
Sat, 30 January 2010 07:06 |
| Anonymous |
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I'm "older" and had my surgery some years ago. I have zero regrets, no guilt, no shame, and consider myself fairly well adjusted (Unless you factor in my fantasy of being the mistress to a Prussian Field Marshall in 1940's occupied France, riding around in the staff car, clad in nothing but the most expensive Russian fur. But we won't go there. Heh heh.)
Anyway, on the rare instance when I do think about the past and the path that my life has taken, I smile to myself and think that the whole thing is kind of weird. Go figure.
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #91410 is a reply to message #91405 ] |
Wed, 24 February 2010 19:27 |
Katie
Messages: 13586
Registered: October 2007
Location: La La Land |
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| Cynthialee wrote on Wed, 24 February 2010 17:09 | | jaiyen wrote on Wed, 24 February 2010 18:54 | ok im only 27, i know im not a later transitioner, but i did cope for a solid 12 years....
how?
LSD....... its the only thing ive ever found that can separate you from all the social paradigms of gender and also the physical paradigms of biological sex. when you are peaking, you are only you. so, i guess for me, instead of crossdressing or suicide, i chemically stripped my identity to its core where i could be myself for a few blissful hours.
of course, i also did alot of other things that just made me absolutely numb.... and i did those things in doses and combinations that most people take to commit suicide.
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I could have writen most of this.
Now I live with the consequenses of that lifestyle.
Your not alone.
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Please allow me this moment to say I'm glad you both made it! 
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #92771 is a reply to message #16139 ] |
Sat, 06 March 2010 14:44 |
| Anonymous |
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| Gina wrote on Wed, 30 January 2008 08:59 | You avoided to transition when you were younger, for different reasons. What were you thinking? Was there some sort of consolation that helped you to go trough during those days, what was it? Since you could make today, I mean you are alive, I wonder If there was an specific thing you guys found peace on.. If this was so how did that shaped the person you are today?
my regards
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From another thread...
| Anonymous wrote on Tue, 02 March 2010 17:09 | | rach wrote on Sun, 18 October 2009 11:25 | Fear dominated my decisions about transition for years until the pain was greater than the fear.
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ditto
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It is pretty simple, fear and an inability to see a successful transition or acceptance are powerful factors.
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #92772 is a reply to message #92771 ] |
Sat, 06 March 2010 14:52 |
| Anonymous |
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I have had older transitioners who transitioned at a younger age say how they couldn't or can't relate to me, )someone who started transition at 35), because they are so much different...
I have had one person in particular remark that because I was "content" to wait to transition that she couldn't relate to me because I was so obviously "different" from her.
What she failed to realize was the fear that crushed my spirit and caused me to spend years being suicidal, because I believed that transition was an impossibility, that I would fail and no one would accept me. I would be unemployable and I would die in the streets.
She just figured that I made some "casual" decision to put off transition because maybe I just felt like being a "man" for a while or like I was happy doing "man" things. Because I was content to be called "sir" or whatever.
What she miserably failed to understand was that we were the same. We had everything in common except for the fear, the fear for me was greater. So I struggled and suffered for years and years, not having any life whatsoever and when the pain overcame the fear of dying, I took that chance and started transitioning.
And then she said to me, "There is no way I can possibly relate to you, you are so different from me." "How could you possibly be so content being a man that you were so leisurely about transitioning?"
Her ignorance seemed criminal to me.
She made me feel like less of a woman. She made me feel like an outcast. And so I am an outcast. But I have found my woman's life and that is what matters.
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #92792 is a reply to message #92772 ] |
Sat, 06 March 2010 18:05 |
Karen_A
Messages: 3106
Registered: October 2007 |
Senior Member
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| Anonymous wrote on Sat, 06 March 2010 17:52 | I have had older transitioners who transitioned at a younger age say how they couldn't or can't relate to me, )someone who started transition at 35), because they are so much different...
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Not all those who transined young and are now older are like that... Some are real treasure.. and some not... Just like in most cases of people
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I have had one person in particular remark that because I was "content" to wait to transition that she couldn't relate to me because I was so obviously "different" from her.
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While some honestly can't relate because their lives were so different, that sounds like one of the toxic ones to avoid at all cost... Those that use words like "content" are purposefully trying to hurt and distance often out of their own insecurity and need for validation... I ran into one such years ago... I hope it's not her because she is a REAL sicko.
I understand early on how much acceptance, approval and support from a long term post-op who has assimilated can mean... It 's a very powerful need many of us have early on because of our own own insecurity fears and doubts. The more fears and insecurity we have the more we carve those things (and advice and help from such a person CAN be very valuable) AND the more we are open to being hurt deeply.
Although some have been nice, I have been hurt most by such long term posts in that way (which makes me leery of new ones I com across) so i fully understand what you are saying....
The solution is don't put anyone on a pedestal because of how well they pass or how long ago they transitioned. Judge them AND their words by their character.
And don't judge yourself by what other TSes say... judge yourself by if the path you are walking is making things better for you. Lear from others... but more by what you see than what they say...
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What she failed to realize was the fear that crushed my spirit and caused me to spend years being suicidal, because I believed that transition was an impossibility, that I would fail and no one would accept me. I would be unemployable and I would die in the streets.
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Same here.
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She just figured that I made some "casual" decision to put off transition because maybe I just felt like being a "man" for a while or like I was happy doing "man" things. Because I was content to be called "sir" or whatever.
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That is someone whom you should NOT look up to or look for validation from. She KNOWS she is being hurtful when they saying things like that, and is TRYING to hurt. Just Stay away from this person... That is what is best.
- Karen
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #93087 is a reply to message #93001 ] |
Tue, 09 March 2010 02:43 |
| Anonymous |
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I just wanted to say thank you for all the responses. It made me feel really nice to read them, especially after coming home from a really difficult day at work.
Thank you :)
LB
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #93543 is a reply to message #93001 ] |
Sat, 13 March 2010 15:48 |
Gina
Messages: 62
Registered: January 2008
Location: New York |
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January of 2008, I was very sad, unemployed, and broke. In the middle of this I tried to collect strength to hold on to my life. I asked this question to see if it could help me dealing with my own gender issue. And it did, I recognized that I was asking something serious, it was the last question I asked. In the fall of 2008, I started my hormone treatment. So many things had happened, I am feeling things, thinking things that I never imagine before.
I am 35 now and I am still transitioning, my body has changed, not as I expected but I am happy. I like the age in which I did it, and how this is affects my experience. That was the last reason I found not too transition, "because I am to old" I would say to myself. "There is not way I am going to pass like this" .
I am not living full time, and I would not go back though, although I have considered. I am moving on, I am writing from the middle of the storm.
You guys made it or are doing it, congratulations!
Gina
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #100575 is a reply to message #16139 ] |
Fri, 14 May 2010 06:38 |
Anonymous  |
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I read through this topic and feel that my experience was very similar. Until I began transitioning at 38, the last I was happy for an extended period was Christmas break of second grade. That's when my family moved and I lost my best friend who was a girl. We were inseparable. At my new school I never fit in never realizing what my problem was. After graduation I joined the marines to prove my manhood, was married young, father at 21, and divorced at 21.5. It was at that point I stopped feeling anything. I became numb and isolated. The little girl that I refused to recognize lived in a cold dark place. 16 years of that and I attempted suicide. Getting help for that and addiction resulted in some deep soul searching and my acceptance of myself. Don't take my path if you can avoid it. There is no comfortable solutions other than transition.
Huggs,
Emily
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #100615 is a reply to message #100575 ] |
Fri, 14 May 2010 15:25 |
Katie
Messages: 13586
Registered: October 2007
Location: La La Land |
Senior Member
Administrator
Bitch Queen of Palolo
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| Anonymous wrote on Fri, 14 May 2010 03:38 | I read through this topic and feel that my experience was very similar. Until I began transitioning at 38, the last I was happy for an extended period was Christmas break of second grade. That's when my family moved and I lost my best friend who was a girl. We were inseparable. At my new school I never fit in never realizing what my problem was. After graduation I joined the marines to prove my manhood, was married young, father at 21, and divorced at 21.5. It was at that point I stopped feeling anything. I became numb and isolated. The little girl that I refused to recognize lived in a cold dark place. 16 years of that and I attempted suicide. Getting help for that and addiction resulted in some deep soul searching and my acceptance of myself. Don't take my path if you can avoid it. There is no comfortable solutions other than transition.
Huggs,
Emily
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Emily ... I was married at 17 and divorced by 19. I thought of the little girl as being locked inside a chest, in a fetal position, buried under the floor of a dungeon under a fortress that I kept locked and barred to the outside word.
I was numb, dead ... a zombie.  And still I heard and felt her screaming and clawing at the inside of my skull.
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| Re: Question for older transsitioners.. [message #114804 is a reply to message #16139 ] |
Tue, 28 September 2010 16:03 |
| Anonymous |
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The thing that warmed my heart and gave me consolation while I happily delayed transition was.
1. Lack of information.
2. Indoctrination into the Christian Cult and subsequent belief that if I did transition God would send me to Hell to burn for all Eternity, which is longer than the average human lifespan so I figured suffering for one lifetime was going to be easier and less painful than being tortured for eternity.
3. Beaten down by abusive parents. Some dogs run away when they are beaten and some cower. I was the cowering dog that sought to please it's master instead of running away.
4 Disbelief that I could ever experience a successful transition.
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