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[quote title=Aylwen wrote on Fri, 04 April 2008 09:36]Wow... parallels indeed. I don't even have to write my response, just quote others!

[quote title=Anonymous wrote on Wed, 30 January 2008 06:21]I mentally hamstrung myself. I disassociated my self and became functionally schizophrenic. ... No need for drugs for me dudette, I was already flying high in my own dream state.[/quote]

[quote title=Davinia wrote on Thu, 03 April 2008 00:16]Back when I got the dream transsexuals were portrayed mainly as some kind of sexual deviants, to want to be one meant you were just a pervert! Almost in the same bracket as a pedophile!! A total freak![/quote]

There was a part of me that knew what was going on the whole time, I think, it just refused to come forward and claim its primacy in my mental make-up until recently.

I know, I probably don't count as a late transitioner either -- I count the official start of my transition at about 18 when I started growing my hair out because I thought it made me look more feminine. I didn't start the medical part of this process for a little over a decade later but I have managed to suppress it through school, college, multiple jobs and even part of a marriage, so... same sorta thing I guess.
[/quote]

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Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Fri, 04 April 2008 09:36

Aylwen

Wow... parallels indeed. I don't even have to write my response, just quote others!

Anonymous wrote on Wed, 30 January 2008 06:21

I mentally hamstrung myself. I disassociated my self and became functionally schizophrenic. ... No need for drugs for me dudette, I was already flying high in my own dream state.

Davinia wrote on Thu, 03 April 2008 00:16

Back when I got the dream transsexuals were portrayed mainly as some kind of sexual deviants, to want to be one meant you were just a pervert! Almost in the same bracket as a pedophile!! A total freak!

There was a part of me that knew what was going on the whole time, I think, it just refused to come forward and claim its primacy in my mental make-up until recently.

I know, I probably don't count as a late transitioner either -- I count the official start of my transition at about 18 when I started growing my hair out because I thought it made me look more feminine. I didn't start the medical part of this process for a little over a decade later but I have managed to suppress it through school, college, multiple jobs and even part of a marriage, so... same sorta thing I guess.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Wed, 28 May 2008 10:15

Kimberley

Excellent question. I grew up in the 50's and 60's. I had the c**p beat out of me as a young child for femme expression so like so many others who learn Guilt Shame and Fear I went underground.

I remember seeing Christine Jorgensen on television when I was in the 9th grade and it was a revelation; until my parents started to rant about what a sicko and pervert she was. I was shattered.

Of course I then overcompensated with the career and marriage with family and a place in the burbs. All the while I just stayed underground and suffered in silence.

When I was 37 I really hit the wall and all hell let loose. This was worse than my teens even. The counsellor I was seeing helped me through it and I decided I do without transitioning. It would have meant the loss of everything, then as now. The last time I crashed I ended up in a suicide attempt and that was the real beginning. That was 6 years ago. Today I am on disability for GID and hate it. I can only work part time and to come out there would cost me my job (contracts just wouldnt be renewed).

I rely on my therapist and GP as well as a few people who do know I am TS for support. I exist with the GD but dont know how long I can hold out. It is harder every day and the docs are strongly urging HRT.

Anyway, I guess the short answer is a life of denial and suffering. The hell of it is now I know what damage it has done to my children. Given what we know today, I would now opt to transition in my late teens if I could turn back the clock.

Huggs
Kimberley

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Wed, 28 May 2008 19:03

Kimberley

At the risk of splitting hairs here... no pun intended...

There is nothing stopping me from transitioning but there are factors delaying it.

First is money. I am on a disability pension and I augment it with some part time teaching at the college. They have a diversity policy of course but it is mostly designed for the students. The college is an old boys network of conservatism. The last t-girl to come out found her contracts were not renewed. Regardless, a 16K gross income doesnt quite cut it.

The option to this is self employment. It is something I am exploring.

Next to the money I have some things I need to do for myself starting with some weight loss. This should relieve the blood pressure problem somewhat. The prostate thing I dont worry about with spiro because that will significantly reduce the cancer risk and there is a history of it in my family. There is also some arthritis although it is minor.

The support systems needed. As you said, I do have my daughter and for that I am on my knees in gratitude. Still I do need more including some solid friendships with GG's. I think this comes to the socialization factor in transition. It is a process I am currently exploring and developing.

There are a couple of other family members who I would really like to have on board as well.

As to the big one; the marriage. I am getting mixed signals here. It is an area we are trying to work out together and although there has been some progress, I would like to see more. Anyway, time will tell with this one. It could go either way.

So those are the delays.

From a mental standpoint I think I could handle it okay but the engineer in me wants all the ducks in a row. I know... geeks! lol.

It has been an extremely rough day today so hopefully I made some sense here.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Wed, 28 May 2008 19:24

Charlene

You made plenty of sense Kim. We have some things in common. Though I am still resisting just for ... well, I dunno why. It is certainly family. It's also ... just my process, I guess. Things are sort of rolling forward anyway. I think.

This is painful, yes. And yes, HRT can help.

Good luck, I hope all goes well for you. See you around here, I guess?

Charlene

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Fri, 30 May 2008 08:44

NorthernJane

I can't comment. I was a total failure at coping and my life was in the toilet before I got out of my teens.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 31 May 2008 01:40

ZoeB

NorthernJane wrote on Sat, 31 May 2008 01:44

I can't comment. I was a total failure at coping and my life was in the toilet before I got out of my teens.

And after SRS you were flushed with success!

Hugs from the Zoe of Oz

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 31 May 2008 09:25

Kimberley

Hi Charlene. Yes, I will be bouncing in and out of this as well as other sites. I am not to popular with some of them because I will call them on their uhhhh... stuff.

I think that with a lifetime of misinformation and discrimination I just see it as an obligation to challenge these attitudes wherever I can. I think I just want to make it a better world for all of us and especially for the younger girls if we/I can make it easier for them in their lives.

For myself, I will take what comes my way on my terms. One of my docs is urging me to go on HRT but I refuse until at the very least the domestic situation is ironed out.

HRT is relatively inexpensive but then begins the more expensive procedures; electro, voice, FFS and SRS. Those I cannot afford in any way shape or form so HRT, as much as I want to start, would be moot if I cant continue the process. I guess I just dont see any point to starting then only being able to go part way; especially at my age. I just dont want to be a "failed" transition. *sigh*

Huggs,
Kimberley

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 31 May 2008 09:47

Anonymous

Zoe of Oz said:

"And after SRS you were flushed with success!"

I think something should be said, in reply to this statement, to ensure that newbies, for whom this forum is apparently intended, are not misled about what transition and SRS can, or will, do for them.

No respectable gender-issues therapist will recommend that a patient embark upon the practical phase of transition (HRT, RLE/RLT, SRS and primary recovery) until any pre-existing issues are dealt with.

Similarly, anyone who thinks that the root causes of all their other life issues are rooted in their unrequited transness is in for a rude awakening if they think that all the other issues will vanish in a puff of Fairy Dust when they emerge from the anaesthetic after SRS.

I am privileged to live in a city with a relatively large, very out, very active TS community and I have several friends who can attest personally (and painfully) to the truth of what I've said, above.

Bottom line: I suspect that Zoe of OZ intended her comment to be taken in a playful context. But I respectfully suggest that we must never forget, or minimize the fact, that SRS is *not* a magic bullet and should *never* be advertised as such.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 31 May 2008 10:45

Karen_A

Anonymous wrote on Sat, 31 May 2008 12:47

I think something should be said, in reply to this statement, to ensure that newbies, for whom this forum is apparently intended,

Oh there are a fair number of non-newbies here, but most tend to post mostly on he inner boards.

Quote:

are not misled about what transition and SRS can, or will, do for them.

I certainly felt elated right after SRS back in 1998. In general feeling better about one self often (but not always) translates to more success in many areas of life....

But I don't think anybody who is sane really thinks SRS guarentees success in anything though.

Quote:

No respectable gender-issues therapist will recommend that a patient embark upon the practical phase of transition (HRT, RLE/RLT, SRS and primary recovery) until any pre-existing issues are dealt with.

First IMO no respectable therapist would or should recommend TO THE CLIENT that that they start HRT, transition and/or have SRS. That HAS to be initiated by the client and not the therapist. That is how my therapist was and that is how it should be.

In terms of recommending the client to an endo or a surgeon (the "letters") the criteria are sane and understands the ramifications and the therapist feels it is appropriate for them, NOT problem free. Heck some things can not be worked out until after transition or SRS and some issues are simply not related to transition one way or other.

Quote:

Similarly, anyone who thinks that the root causes of all their other life issues are rooted in their unrequited transness is in for a rude awakening if they think that all the other issues will vanish in a puff of Fairy Dust when they emerge from the anaesthetic after SRS.

THAT would be a reason not to recommend IMO.

Quote:

I am privileged to live in a city with a relatively large, very out, very active TS community and I have several friends who can attest personally (and painfully) to the truth of what I've said, above.

I hear a lot of that on line... I live is an area witha lot of TSes (Boston area) and I've not know anyone with that experience.

BTW I'm not sure I would call living in a T-aware area a privilege.

Quote:

Bottom line: I suspect that Zoe of OZ intended her comment to be taken in a playful context. But I respectfully suggest that we must never forget, or minimize the fact, that SRS is *not* a magic bullet and should *never* be advertised as such.

Well no one ever accused me of being an optimist and spreading light and cheerfulness, that's for sure! Wink

But while there are undoubtedly are some who are that clueless, I think very few would take what so said as the literal truth.

BTW Are you happy you had it, if you did?

- Karen

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 31 May 2008 11:01

Hilary

Surgery may not cure all your ills, but it sure goes a hell of a long way to removing some or all of the stress associated with GID.

The hours, weeks and months following surgery were a joy for me! However, life goes on. If you were a pauper before surgery, you'll be a pauper after surgery.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 31 May 2008 12:52

Anonymous

Karen said: "BTW Are you happy you had it, if you did?"

Yes. Very. Getting on with my life and loving it! :-)

It's *you* who sounds unhappy -- maybe even bitter. I'm sorry your life hasn't worked out as you had hoped.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 31 May 2008 12:58

Karen_A

Anonymous wrote on Sat, 31 May 2008 15:52

Karen said: "BTW Are you happy you had it, if you did?"

Yes. Very. Getting on with my life and loving it! Smile

It's *you* who sounds unhappy -- maybe even bitter. I'm sorry your life hasn't worked out as you had hoped.

No I'm not bitter, at all. My life is a mixed bag with good things and some difficult things, as it is for most. I tend of be a pessimist, but I have been that all my life.

BTW I noticed you did not address the substace of what I said about criteria in your response.

- Karen

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 01 June 2008 07:50

Anonymous

Karen said:

"...you did not address the substance of what I said about criteria in your response."

Sorry, I seem to have missed your point, there... What point(s), exactly, did you hope I would address?

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 01 June 2008 07:53

Gina

Hello Kimberly,

Is very reassuring to find out that our processes of realization and copping are similar.That was not possible until very recently; technology has made it easier for us in that sense.
I have not transisioned yet however, in my mind I am half the way. I feel caught in the middle of the road now, I am conscious of my transexuality, and to realized that puts you in a another place.Is not an easy place to be, you feel shapeless inside, to make a decision takes double the time, at least for me.I wait from signals from the outside world to react according to my actual gender presentation. In short this type of functioning is doomed to fail, someone said that happiness is the daughter of freedom, and freedom can be only experienced when you act according to what your inner self tells you,not in a narcissistic or selfish way; with maturity, being gentle to ourself translates into gentleness to the world.

I don't question it anymore, I just try to ignore it, I am not being fair with me, I am failing to myself.In short I am not free, I am aware now I have to act.
Gender is such a important and complex thing for us humans.
And we T's reality can see gender with different eyes, as outsiders, we can see nuances that not many people can see, this is just a byproduct of our condition, and I believe is great.

So Kimberly, when I hear the word failure this is what it comes to my mind, I just wanted to share it with you.

Thank you very much everyone for your input..

Gina

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 01 June 2008 07:58

Karen_A

Anonymous wrote on Sun, 01 June 2008 10:50

Here:

Quote:

In other words on does need to and should not have to have all their issues resolved before transition or SRS. All they need to be is sane, understand the consequences and (IMO) really be TS.

- Karen

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 01 June 2008 09:24

Anonymous

Reply to what Karen said about criteria.

Sorry... That sounded, to me, like a statement, rather than a question. Didn't realize you were inviting a reply...

Okay... First:

You said: "First IMO no respectable therapist would or should recommend TO THE CLIENT that that they start HRT, transition and/or have SRS. That HAS to be initiated by the client and not the therapist. That is how my therapist was and that is how it should be."

Of *course* transition, HRT and SRS should be initiated by the patient. But, where I come from, psychiatrists and therapists are, in a very real and significant way, gatekeepers, and we are, to some extent, at their mercy.

You misinterpreted me... I was speaking in terms of the clinical recommendation -- i.e.- a reference or referral, by a psychiatrist or therapist, to a specialist, for HRT, or to a surgeon, for SRS.

Second:

You said: "In other words on does need to and should not have to have all their issues resolved before transition or SRS. All they need to be is sane, understand the consequences and (IMO) really be TS."

Any respectable, ethical therapist will be concerned with your overall emotional well being. It would, in fact, be considered grossly irresponsible and patently unethical for any therapist to consider and advise upon your TS issues only, in isolation. Also, issues that may not bear directly on your transition *do* affect your overall emotional well being. And if your overall emotional state is impaired in any way, that will undoubtedly affect your ability to deal with the rigours of transition. Laying one's other issues to rest before tackling transition just makes sense. :-)

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 01 June 2008 09:45

Karen_A

Anonymous wrote on Sun, 01 June 2008 12:24

Reply to what Karen said about criteria.

Sorry... That sounded, to me, like a statement, rather than a question. Didn't realize you were inviting a reply...

Obviously my statements are opinions and I expect peopel to say something if they disagree... I don't thik I'm God! Wink

And such discussion IMO is what helps the lurkers.

Quote:

Of *course* transition, HRT and SRS should be initiated by the patient. But, where I come from, psychiatrists and therapists are, in a very real and significant way, gatekeepers, and we are, to some extent, at their mercy.

You misinterpreted me... I was speaking in terms of the clinical recommendation -- i.e.- a reference or referral, by a psychiatrist or therapist, to a specialist, for HRT, or to a surgeon, for SRS.

In my original post I made it cleat that might be a possibility and addressed that too.

Quote:

Any respectable, ethical therapist will be concerned with your overall emotional well being. It would, in fact, be considered grossly irresponsible and patently unethical for any therapist to consider and advise upon your TS issues only, in isolation. Also, issues that may not bear directly on your transition *do* affect your overall emotional well being. And if your overall emotional state is impaired in any way, that will undoubtedly affect your ability to deal with the rigours of transition. Laying one's other issues to rest before tackling transition just makes sense. Smile

Transition may help some issues and leave other unaffected. The issues that it can help may make one more able to deal with others if for no other reason than one has more emotional energy to address them.

Yes transition creates practical difficulties and is emotionally turbulent because of relationships, but it also often gives a huge emotional lift as well. It did for me.

A good therapist would know those things and understand that other issues are not necessarily contraindications, and that people deserve a chance at what happiness and fulfillment they can achieve, even if not perfect.

Like politics, life is the art of the realistically achievable.

- karen

[Updated on: Sun, 08 June 2008 16:59]

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 01 June 2008 12:50

Kimberley

Hi Gina,
It is very difficult with age, not so much with the process as with the externals such as relationships and finances etc. No doubt about it.

I am still looking forward though but as I said, it will be on my terms and timing, not someone else's. The whole therapy route has reinforced that for me and as I said before my pdoc and GP have both given me the nod to start HRT. I am the holdup and I have no hesitation about delaying it. It will happen but when is the question.

Currently I am exploring the options at work. I guess I will be testing the diversity policies in regards to profs. We'll see. If I was in a "mixed" field it would be easier but most of my students are fueled by testosterone and attitude. Oh well.

So it is a very slow process for me although a G/F said I really started a couple of years ago, I just wasnt totally aware of it. Good point.

huggs
Kimberley

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 01 June 2008 12:55

Anonymous

Karen said:

"Like politics life is the art of the realistically achievable."

Amen.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Fri, 02 October 2009 17:19

Cynthialee

I went to a shrink at age 21 to start transition. The bastared told me I was sexualy deviant. He told me it was a phase and I should get married to a nice girl and these feelings would go away. For years I tried to do as he said. I didn't engage in cross dressing. <not often at any rate> I 'maned up'. I married 2 times and never once did gender dysphoria truely go away. It took me 20 years to come to the same conclusion I did back then. I need to transition.

That Dr. messed up my life. I was only in my 20's and he gave me a road map to failure. I could have been a beutiful young lady, instead I wasted my youth trying to 'make it go away'. I f*cking hate therapists for this.

sory 'nuff said.

[Updated on: Fri, 02 October 2009 17:29]

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Tue, 06 October 2009 10:13

Elizabeth K

I was born in 1947. No one knew what gender dysphoria was, much less transsexualism. I was married and had children - forcing myself into the idea it was my duty to please everyone else, not myself - until I realized at age 34 - I was a woman and there was no way to hide it anymore. But at 226 pounds and 6'2" ( I have lost one inch) I felt it was impossible. So I just dressed as a woman - knowing I was NOT a simple CDer. [That is how I coped - and I first started at age 8.]

It took another 28 years before I realized I was going to kill myself.

That's when I went to a therapist. She offered options - I immediately knew what I needed to do.

Wasted life? Maybe...do have my children - though I did not bear them directly.

Lizzy

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Tue, 06 October 2009 13:02

Hilary

Lizzy - I'm glad your here.

As to a wasted life, well if your offspring learn to be more accepting, then 'NO' - your life has not been wasted.

Hugs

Hills, xxx

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 10 January 2010 11:01

Anonymous

By immersing myself completely in every and any project that I could find

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 10 January 2010 11:20

Anonymous

Everyone who comes into this world makes a contribution. Even if you aren't cognizant of it, you do.

Wasted life?

Neh.

Life is only "wasted" if you elect to end it. Cause who knows what the future holds? Who can say what great feat you might accomplish?

Is important not to get down on yourself. Heck, enough folks out there in the world who seem to specialize in doing that for you. Right?

So that thing is pretty much taken care of. You got "people", as the saying goes. This leaves YOU free to do the things that are important to you and it leaves YOU free to get things in order.

Of all the things that I have been through, I can look back and find something to laugh about in each one of them.

It's important to do that you know.

Feeling you've wasted years?

Nuh-uh.

When the opportubity is right, you jump on it and you be thankful for having gotten the opportunity. So many never get it. And you make the best, the very BEST of it when you get it. And you don't look back with any regrets.

Yeah. Would have been great to fix things years ago. I'd agree. But for maybe a thousand minute reasons it didn't happen. But maybe NOW is the time. You have to seize the moment push forward.

If you spend time looking back you are apt to miss a million and one tiny, precious moments of beauty in both the now AND the future.

There's so very much to see and to feel and to hear and to savor. If you're not paying close attention, they'll slip right through your fingers. Gone forever.

And then you'll wind up regretting those moments as well.

The past is best left to historians. The future belongs to each and every one of us.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Mon, 11 January 2010 10:40

Charlene

Hey, not bad there, Anon! Kind and encouraging. I like it! Thumbs Up

Charlene

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Wed, 13 January 2010 10:16

Wendy C

Amazing how two short years can change your life when you finally let go of the past and seize on the future. When I last wrote in Jan 2008, I was just starting my transition as an older transitioner, full of questions, full of doubts, and full of fear.

I am post op now, living my life as well as I can, full of questions, no doubts, and definitely no fear now. I am contented and at peace. Although life always hands you problems, I am much better able to cope with them today than two or even 30 years ago. I will be 63 next month and have absolutely no regrets for choosing this path.

Find your path, set your goals, forget about being older. Unless you have serious medical issues (and those aren't always an impediment) you can move forward. Peace, be well, and Hugs

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 23 January 2010 17:46

Lauren

I knew what was wrong very young, but had it beaten out of me. Then came college, too many drugs (1969) and a year of drifting around the country being pretty much useless.

Then I wasted 20 years in a stupid religious cult (yes, wasted!) Left it in the early 90's and had to actually grow up.

I worked as a union electrician, got MS, ended up as a computer tech, tried as hard as I could to keep up the act.

It finally got to where I was pretty much catatonic (according to what an old friend has told me, I was too messed up to know) and finally blurting out to a therapist that I spent every night fantasizing about being a woman.

I first went to a TS support group two years ago. Now I am having SRS on March 15th in Montréal, have used up my life savings, and I am the facilitator of that support group I timidly went to. I am a case manager for the trans population at my agency, and life is starting to look like it might be worth living.

Not the end.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 30 January 2010 07:06

Anonymous

I'm "older" and had my surgery some years ago. I have zero regrets, no guilt, no shame, and consider myself fairly well adjusted (Unless you factor in my fantasy of being the mistress to a Prussian Field Marshall in 1940's occupied France, riding around in the staff car, clad in nothing but the most expensive Russian fur. But we won't go there. Heh heh.)

Anyway, on the rare instance when I do think about the past and the path that my life has taken, I smile to myself and think that the whole thing is kind of weird. Go figure.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Wed, 24 February 2010 18:54

jaiyen

ok im only 27, i know im not a later transitioner, but i did cope for a solid 12 years....
how?
LSD....... its the only thing ive ever found that can separate you from all the social paradigms of gender and also the physical paradigms of biological sex. when you are peaking, you are only you. so, i guess for me, instead of crossdressing or suicide, i chemically stripped my identity to its core where i could be myself for a few blissful hours.

of course, i also did alot of other things that just made me absolutely numb.... and i did those things in doses and combinations that most people take to commit suicide.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Wed, 24 February 2010 19:09

Cynthialee

jaiyen wrote on Wed, 24 February 2010 18:54

I could have writen most of this.
Now I live with the consequenses of that lifestyle.
Your not alone.

Hugs

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Wed, 24 February 2010 19:27

Katie

Cynthialee wrote on Wed, 24 February 2010 17:09

jaiyen wrote on Wed, 24 February 2010 18:54

I could have writen most of this.
Now I live with the consequenses of that lifestyle.
Your not alone.

Hugs

Please allow me this moment to say I'm glad you both made it! Bear Hug

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Thu, 25 February 2010 11:21

Charlene

Quote:

Please allow me this moment to say I'm glad you both made it! Bear Hug

... and please allow me to echo Katie's sentiment!

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Thu, 25 February 2010 11:31

Cynthialee

Charlene wrote on Thu, 25 February 2010 11:21

Quote:

Please allow me this moment to say I'm glad you both made it! Bear Hug

... and please allow me to echo Katie's sentiment!

A long hard road where most of the pitfalls and traps were set by myself and for myself.
I do indeed count myself as lucky to have made it to start my transition and by extension it has given me the best family a girl never met.

Hugz and Luv
Cynthia Lee

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Thu, 25 February 2010 11:34

Derrie

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Thu, 25 February 2010 14:20

Sevan

Cynthialee wrote on Thu, 25 February 2010 11:31

Charlene wrote on Thu, 25 February 2010 11:21

Quote:

Please allow me this moment to say I'm glad you both made it! Bear Hug

... and please allow me to echo Katie's sentiment!

This.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 27 February 2010 08:56

Wendy C

I am so glad you all made it here. Hugs

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 06 March 2010 14:44

Anonymous

Gina wrote on Wed, 30 January 2008 08:59

You avoided to transition when you were younger, for different reasons. What were you thinking? Was there some sort of consolation that helped you to go trough during those days, what was it? Since you could make today, I mean you are alive, I wonder If there was an specific thing you guys found peace on.. If this was so how did that shaped the person you are today?

my regards

From another thread...

Anonymous wrote on Tue, 02 March 2010 17:09

rach wrote on Sun, 18 October 2009 11:25

Fear dominated my decisions about transition for years until the pain was greater than the fear.

ditto

It is pretty simple, fear and an inability to see a successful transition or acceptance are powerful factors.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 06 March 2010 14:52

Anonymous

I have had older transitioners who transitioned at a younger age say how they couldn't or can't relate to me, )someone who started transition at 35), because they are so much different...

I have had one person in particular remark that because I was "content" to wait to transition that she couldn't relate to me because I was so obviously "different" from her.

What she failed to realize was the fear that crushed my spirit and caused me to spend years being suicidal, because I believed that transition was an impossibility, that I would fail and no one would accept me. I would be unemployable and I would die in the streets.

She just figured that I made some "casual" decision to put off transition because maybe I just felt like being a "man" for a while or like I was happy doing "man" things. Because I was content to be called "sir" or whatever.

What she miserably failed to understand was that we were the same. We had everything in common except for the fear, the fear for me was greater. So I struggled and suffered for years and years, not having any life whatsoever and when the pain overcame the fear of dying, I took that chance and started transitioning.

And then she said to me, "There is no way I can possibly relate to you, you are so different from me." "How could you possibly be so content being a man that you were so leisurely about transitioning?"

Her ignorance seemed criminal to me.

She made me feel like less of a woman. She made me feel like an outcast. And so I am an outcast. But I have found my woman's life and that is what matters.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 06 March 2010 16:14

rach

Underlying her assumptions are no doubt deep insecurities that she'll use whatever she can to jockey her self esteem up by separating herself and you and thereby boosting herself up in her mind at your expense.

Knowing this doesn't make it feel any better, but it is a bad place to be for her and folks around her nonetheless.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 06 March 2010 18:05

Karen_A

Anonymous wrote on Sat, 06 March 2010 17:52

I have had older transitioners who transitioned at a younger age say how they couldn't or can't relate to me, )someone who started transition at 35), because they are so much different...

Not all those who transined young and are now older are like that... Some are real treasure.. and some not... Just like in most cases of people

Quote:

I have had one person in particular remark that because I was "content" to wait to transition that she couldn't relate to me because I was so obviously "different" from her.

While some honestly can't relate because their lives were so different, that sounds like one of the toxic ones to avoid at all cost... Those that use words like "content" are purposefully trying to hurt and distance often out of their own insecurity and need for validation... I ran into one such years ago... I hope it's not her because she is a REAL sicko.

I understand early on how much acceptance, approval and support from a long term post-op who has assimilated can mean... It 's a very powerful need many of us have early on because of our own own insecurity fears and doubts. The more fears and insecurity we have the more we carve those things (and advice and help from such a person CAN be very valuable) AND the more we are open to being hurt deeply.

Although some have been nice, I have been hurt most by such long term posts in that way (which makes me leery of new ones I com across) so i fully understand what you are saying....

The solution is don't put anyone on a pedestal because of how well they pass or how long ago they transitioned. Judge them AND their words by their character.

And don't judge yourself by what other TSes say... judge yourself by if the path you are walking is making things better for you. Lear from others... but more by what you see than what they say...

Quote:

What she failed to realize was the fear that crushed my spirit and caused me to spend years being suicidal, because I believed that transition was an impossibility, that I would fail and no one would accept me. I would be unemployable and I would die in the streets.

Same here.

Quote:

She just figured that I made some "casual" decision to put off transition because maybe I just felt like being a "man" for a while or like I was happy doing "man" things. Because I was content to be called "sir" or whatever.

That is someone whom you should NOT look up to or look for validation from. She KNOWS she is being hurtful when they saying things like that, and is TRYING to hurt. Just Stay away from this person... That is what is best.

- Karen

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