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Re: When did YOU know?

Fri, 09 November 2007 21:30

Jennywocky

I honestly cannot tell you when I began dealing with this. Some people claim to have such an early instant of "knowing" that they can still recall.

I don't. I do not actually remember much of my childhood.. just snippets of memories that are like snapshots.

Then, around age 6, I can start to remember sequences of memories, like little video cartridge snippets. I cannot remember "feelings," though; I just remember the events.

I do know I started dressing in my mom's clothes by third grade, when no one was home. And by sixth grade, I was agonizing because I wanted to be one of the girls in my class and was so envious of them, and was very lonely because I couldn't be included in their circle the way I wanted to be.

And I remember by sixth grade also seeing a copy of Conundrum (Jan Morris) in the local library, and kept sneaking peaks... so I suppose by then I knew what a transsexual was.

Re: When did YOU know?

Thu, 24 April 2008 15:59

Faerieheart

I have a very early memory of standing in the bathroom with a pair of scissors and wanting to cut my penis off. It's one on my earliest memories actually. If my memory is accurate, my sole reason for not doing it was fear of getting in trouble. I guess I've been scared ever since, cause I overcompensated a lot, to the point of still not fitting in. I pretended to like boy things to the extreme in school, like guns and explosions, and farts and stuff like that, and continued with girl phobia for longer than I should have. I still overcompensate some when doing the act... I feel real embarrassed after words when I realize what I did.

I'm sure something traumatic happened when I went to preschool, because before then from what I hear, my only friends were girls and I played with dolls and stuff.

After words I played with action figures (but when alone there was more story less action)

Eventually I started playing D&D and roleplaying, I started being a dungeon master, and most of my games ended up turning into what can best be described as playing house with magic and monsters.

It was in a self game run by a gamer friend that I found out. I got turned into a girl temporarily (though that was unknown) and when the effect wore off and I turned back into a guy, I went nuts in the game trying to become a girl again.

That said, I still lived with it for six years using every excuse in the book to avoid my feelings, until recently as it's become too much to bare.

So depending on how you look at it the answer is either as a toddler or in my late teens.

Re: When did YOU know?

Thu, 24 April 2008 19:10

Aylwen

I put "from age 5" because although I didn't understand it then, I can clearly remember some things that were, on hindsight, obviously fallout from gender confusion.

On the other hand, I have about 3 memories from when I was 5 and basically nothing before that, and my whole single-digit years are like swiss cheese. Laughing

So perhaps "from earliest memory" would've been more accurate...

On the third hand (.... Shocked

?) I didn't realize I was anything but a weirdo until about a year ago. So if the question is "when did you realize you were TS" ... very recently.

Re: When did YOU know?

Fri, 25 April 2008 18:06

debbiejh

for me, the catalyst was going to kindergarten. an only child of a single mom whose siblings had no kids, i had no real notion of boys, girls and what the big differences were. i mean, i related very closely to my mom -- still do -- but it really took extended exposure to girls my age to make me see how i felt.

Re: When did YOU know?

Sat, 03 May 2008 05:25

beate_r

Mhmm, for me there was a development, first weak signs in the early childhood, the earliest weakest one just being a discussion started by my little sister on the difference between girls and boy. I must have been 3 or perhaps 4, and i just remember the scene and the explanation leaving a question mark for me. Using my mother's cloths, her lipstick, her curlers ( Smile

) almost as long as i can remember, to some degree tolerated by my parents. But unfortunately less and less as i grew older.

With 10 knowing my name, with 12 when i was as large as my mother i enjoyed an intense cross dressing phase which has been stopped by my father, in my early Youth between 11 and 15 several attempts to find out something on "sex change" in the public libraries, with 22 a first coming out as a crossdresser to my (meanwhile and still) wife, in my 20s the awareness, that there would happen much more with my transness if there wasn't the relationship, also moderate feelings that a female body was more approprate for me, in my mid 30s sadness about having missed a chance to transition and considerations of counseling because of that need.
But it was still too early, i managed to suppress it for several other years, even believed that i finally had managed to establish as a man.
Then, with 47, the decision to "permit whatever was in me, even if that would lead me through a transition", and finally with 48 after some months of crossdressing and self reflection getting more and more intense i KNEW and permitted being transsexual during a some weeks where i could go full time to test myself. This was also the beginning of my transition.

Despite of that there was a development in the picture of myself. With 48, i defined myself being type IV applying Benjamin's criteria, looking back on that time now i start smiling because i see a clear expression of type V.

So i might as well have written "with 5", in my youth, my thirties or later. I decided to chose after 40 because that was the time i *knew*. My father was probably much more aware about my GID than i was.

Have a nice day

Beate

[Updated on: Sat, 03 May 2008 05:28]

Re: When did YOU know?

Wed, 21 May 2008 13:10

Kimberley

First of all. Hello to everyone here and thanks to Radargrrl for putting me on to this site. It looks to be a good place to be.

When did I know. I voted earliest memories because i knew something was wrong, that things didnt mesh. So in that sense I knew but to actually put it into a gender/sex context I think I was probably around 5 when I could say I wasnt a boy; that I was a girl. Of course in the mid fifties that was unacceptable. So the rest of going in the closet and all is pretty much textbook.

Huggs
Kimberley

Re: When did YOU know?

Tue, 22 July 2008 14:18

Anonymous

(((((SMILE))))))

Re: When did YOU know?

Tue, 22 July 2008 15:23

Anonymous

I wish I could change my vote from 30's-40's to 10 years, I actually didn't see all the text below the poll itself and just made a choice thinking that I was being asked when I knew I was transsexual. I can remember looking at Mom's boots and sandals in her closet, and her makeup in the bathroom when I was very young, and just thinking about how pretty all that stuff was. I also remember thinking that *somehow* I wasn't like everyone else, and that I was a lot more emotional than everyone else around me.

Re: When did YOU know?

Tue, 22 July 2008 16:58

Derrie

aeron wrote on Tue, 22 July 2008 17:23

That's OK, hon. After your surgery you get to vote again!!!!

Re: When did YOU know?

Fri, 02 January 2009 09:26

leemcg

By age five I knew I was wrong (1986)
By age ten I fantastyed about being a girl (1991)
By age seventeen I was so Neive I found out I wasnt alone (1997) via the internet
By age twenty four I started expernmenting with HRT (2004)
By age Twenty five I started to come out (2005)
By age Twnety sixI was binge drinking (2006)
By age Twenty I found recovery and quit binge drinking and did time in County Jail (2007)
By age twenty seven I moved to California and went legaly full time (2008) with name and marker change
By age twenty eight in a few weeks 1-18-2009 I will be wenttime, have lived my twentys as a gender queer, trans, detransitoned once, left the mormon church, served as a civilian military contractor, and been out the closet off and on from 2005, and going through the happyist time of my life.

Re: When did YOU know?

Wed, 07 January 2009 15:45

Elizabeth K

I don't see any earlier postings from me on this topic - but if this is a duplication, sorry.

I told my therapist age six, and then told the 'story.' Later I realized the 'story' happened at least two years before I went into school.

The story? I was just a person, the first born in the family in 35 years, a darlin' to all the relatives. But I had no siblings or cousins. Most of my relatives were adult females, and there was my dad who was a very quiet man. So When I finally understood the words boy and girl, I asked my mom,"what is the difference?" She said boys grow up to be handsome, girls grow up to be pretty.

Okay - hummmm... a little later, "mommy," will I grow up to be like you?" She replied, "no, you will grow up to be like your daddy." Well that was terribly wrong! I wanted to grow up to be exactly like my mother, my aunts, and my beloved grandmother.

I argued but it didn't help. I resigned myself to grow up as I was told, but I would be a girl in a male body. BUT that would take forever (children live in a different sense of time.)

But it went faster that I ever wanted. I kept seeing me slip-slip-slipping into something I never wanted to be. I wanted to go the other way. Didn't happen. Never happened. Couldn't happen.

That's the story.

Knew then - one of my earliest memories.

Re: When did YOU know?

Wed, 14 January 2009 02:46

Nachos99

I said early teens cause I just figured out what is wrong with me and I'm 14.

[Updated on: Wed, 14 January 2009 09:04]

Re: When did YOU know?

Fri, 23 January 2009 13:43

Cathy

I honestly can't remember much when I was very young except when I was 5 or 6 I recall overhearing my mother tell my father that I should have been born a girl. I don't know what I was doing to make her say that but it always made me feel different in a bad sort of way. I guess I felt shame that I wasn't a good enough boy because I know that remark stayed with me for a long time and it bothered me greatly.

Anyway I put down early teens because I was prepuberty (about 12 years old or so) when I started tieing my penis back between my legs. I just knew that thing shouldn't be there and from that time on I have lived with this complusion to have it removed.
However like so many others I lived in denial of my true self and suppressed those strong feelings I should be a woman for many decades before I finally hit the wall and was forced to face reality that I have been a woman all my life and the man I was living as was not the real me.

Re: When did YOU know?

Wed, 25 February 2009 16:46

dolce_vita

NorthernJane wrote on Wed, 24 October 2007 05:51

At age 14 a boy I had a serious crush on kissed me (a real passionate kiss!). What I felt in that moment reaffirmed that I was, in fact, a normal girl with an abnormal body.

Yeah i'm still waiting on that first kiss LoL Crying

Re: When did YOU know?

Fri, 06 March 2009 23:09

sherri-ann

my first memory was on a family driving trip out west when i was 7. my father caught me in the bathroom of the motel room we had in one of my mom's evening dresses. i'll never forget because my father said "what the hell are you doing? now take that off..." and i mumbled feebly, "oh i was just going to scare my sister." i didn't know what else to say. he thought the dress was it, but i was wearing a bra and undies too. the funny thing is, i've always tried to remember why it was that moment-- you know, why not at home a few months earlier, or later? i don't know why but i know it was spontaneous, and i didn't understand the feelings right away.

Re: When did YOU know?

Mon, 07 September 2009 07:12

Anonymous

i found out when i was 12 (2 days ago from 8th of spetember 2009)
i always wondered why i felt different to the others in small ways and when i saw the tv programme 2 days ago it became clear

this site is great and its helped me alot whoever made it a a great person.

Re: When did YOU know?

Tue, 08 September 2009 18:25

alliebnorth

One of my first memories, maybe about 7 or 8 yo.

But I have cured myself 10's of times haven't I?

Allie B

Re: When did YOU know?

Wed, 09 September 2009 03:13

JoannaM

While I might have suspected at various times in my life, I don't thing things really came clear until this year. Then it was a like a thief in the night since it was a dream that partially opened the door to me thinking about it.

Re: When did YOU know?

Sat, 12 September 2009 20:54

pumpkin

"From earliest memory", really. Not that I had it all figured out until much later though. Most of the time I just lived with the sinking feeling that I was utter damaged goods.

Whew... feels nice not being there anymore.

p.

Re: When did YOU know?

Sun, 13 September 2009 03:58

Hilary

My earliest memory is coming down stairs at the age of 4, I guess, and wondering why the other girls in the street were wearing skirts and I wasn't.

<Devil's advocate]
I wonder how reliable these 'earliest' memories are? Are they implanted later, by a desire to justify a 'lifelong' desire?

Did that incident really take place?
[/Devil's advocate]

However due to various reasons (school, religion, family etc) I didn't know about transgenderism until much later. About 40 years later!

Re: When did YOU know?

Wed, 30 September 2009 05:46

Cynthialee

At age 7 my world crashed to an abrupt end. I had some weird ideas on what a man and woman were. I thought we could choose genders at puberty. (I don't know where I got that idea, but I was sure of it.)
Well my mom had just delivered my baby sister and was having me help her change the diaper.
When I got a look at my sisters vagina it all came to me like a trainwreck.
I knew at that moment what my mom had been trying to tell me about 'birth canals' and pregnancy. No matter what I was going to become a man, I would never be pregnant or have a baby. It was a bitch slap from reality.

Never going to be pregnant is probably the worst part of this. I can look like the lady I am and even love as a woman. But a child is out of the question.
I gave up on re-asignment in my 20's after a really bad psychiatrist f*cked my mellon up. Now I am in my 40's. Better late than never I always say.

hugs

Re: When did YOU know?

Wed, 30 September 2009 20:11

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote on Mon, 07 September 2009 10:12

wow.good luck sweetie.

Re: When did YOU know?

Thu, 01 October 2009 06:26

pumpkin

Anonymous wrote on Mon, 07 September 2009 10:12

We are here for you if you need to talk. All of us are aware how confusing this all is so we'll be happy to clear it up for you. You can never have too many big sisters and surrogate moms anyway Wink

Good luck and give us some updates k? Smile

Re: When did YOU know?

Thu, 01 October 2009 06:52

Cynthialee

Anonymous wrote on Mon, 07 September 2009 07:12

Very similar to my 'awakening'. At 9 I saw a similar show, made everything kinda fall into place and scared me silly for 32 years.

Resolve this now when you are young, you don't want to end up old and bitter over this. Regardless of which way you go we will be happy to help in any way we can. I don't care if you end male, female or androgenous, just be happy sweetie.

To me a child that can come out of the closet is very special and I want to help.

Love
Cynthia Lee

Re: When did YOU know?

Sat, 13 February 2010 14:45

Royalmalcontent

I'm still not completely sure. Ha! I never thought I was a girl or a boy but figured I was just a bit of both. But I wanted badly to fit in with the 'other girls'. I'd make female friends and they'd beat the crap outta me. I wanted my male friends (my only real friends) to find me attractive but knew I was too much like them. They must have known too. Puberty didn't make me into a normal woman like I'd thought it would. Instead it was like a horrible confirmation that something was wrong. While most thirteen year olds were surfing the chat rooms for their friends I was on gay websites making friends with the guys. I felt comfortable there, like I could relate. Ha ha ha. My dad would come in the room and I'd close out of whatever porn I was looking at and the MfM site would come up, his little blond daughter chatting up older gay men, and he would shake his head. Now that I have come to a point in my life where I can evaluate myself, I've realized I have always been a gayboy. Or at least something very close. Now it's just figuring out what to do about it. If only there were magic penis fairies out there, granting manhood to good little weirdos like me. LOL

Re: When did YOU know?

Sat, 13 February 2010 16:39

Sevan

I know that feeling!!! I often feel like a gayboi. For sure. When did I first "know"? When I started T....last week! Huh?

Re: When did YOU know?

Thu, 18 February 2010 17:25

claska

late teens, to be honest when i was a kid i was rather androgynous (my personality i mean) but i did have a fair bit of feminine tendencies that i only just remembered, represessed memories about repressing said femme tendencies because i thought i would make more friends if i acted more like a boy.

But no matter what i had a lot of difficulty making friends with guys, but girls? i got on with so easily, i remember being in this rocket competition (make a watter bottle rocket) and at first it was just me but by the end i had about3 or 4 other girls on my team, ours went the highest so we got a trophy ( a globe pencil sharpener) and they were all fighting over it, i really wanted it because i was the one to start it after all, but i didn't want to fight over it so i said you pick since I'm happy knowing i won one and so does every one else.
I used ro run like a girl or rather in-between i sort of had my arms up (like a girl...) no wait i did run like a girl i didn't even notice it till some one pointed it out to me....
any way point is i had many femme tendencies but i repressed it so by the time i went to secondary school i had a very shallow personality most of it coming from me guessing that this is what is expected of a guy.
It wasn't until i decided to give the finger to society's, my parent's and my own (rather faulty) values that i discovered (slowly) that i was transgendered, thought realising why i came under such a label took me a long while to work out, it's what i means that's important, not the label itself.

[Updated on: Thu, 18 February 2010 17:27]

Re: When did YOU know?

Sun, 21 February 2010 08:57

CarolynnL

I was nearly 4 (1945) when I decided I was a girl. I was very confused because my parents and others referred to me as a boy.

I told my best friend I "wished I could be a girl" when I was 7.

I saw a 90 second clip at a Saturday Matinee about Christine Jorgensen when I was 10 and knew there was something that could be done for me.

I told my mother a few months later and was told that it was evil to even think about such an ungodly thing. I resolved to never mention it to anyone again and just live with it. That resolve lasted until 2004.

I set up suicides three times, the first at 15, the last in 2004. Something always went wrong......

Carolynn

Re: When did YOU know?

Sun, 21 February 2010 10:43

Katie

CarolynnL wrote on Sun, 21 February 2010 06:57

Imagine, being told by your mother that you are an, "Ungodly thing." Yes, I expect that might leave quite an impression.

Re: When did YOU know?

Sun, 21 February 2010 12:31

Cynthialee

Katie wrote on Sun, 21 February 2010 10:43

CarolynnL wrote on Sun, 21 February 2010 06:57

Imagine, being told by your mother that you are an, "Ungodly thing." Yes, I expect that might leave quite an impression.

I can not imagine how devastating having my mom say something like that to me.

[Updated on: Sun, 21 February 2010 19:02] by Moderator

Re: When did YOU know?

Sun, 21 February 2010 18:57

Hilary

I used to get that most weekends, especially after church.

I was told Christ died on the cross for me and so forth.

My sister was told she couldn't play with the other kids because she may be dead later.

Parents
Religion

What mix.

Re: When did YOU know?

Sun, 21 February 2010 19:04

Hilary

To get this thread back on track, I knew when I was four. I wondered why the other girls wore dresses and I didn't

Re: When did YOU know?

Mon, 22 February 2010 19:32

ZoeB

CarolynnL wrote on Mon, 22 February 2010 03:57

I set up suicides three times, the first at 15, the last in 2004. Something always went wrong......

No Carolynn. Something always went right. You survived, so we can help you now.

HUGS from the Zoe of Oz

Re: When did YOU know?

Mon, 22 February 2010 19:52

Charlene

Yep, what Zoe said.

And ...

You survived, so we can help you now.

... vice versa, too. From my standpoint, that didn't go wrong, either, uh-uh Wink

Re: When did YOU know?

Wed, 24 February 2010 17:52

jaiyen

i was absolutely certain at 15.... but i felt it much earlier, i was asking my mom why i couldnt be her daughter at 6....

edit: im sure this actually happened, because i dont remember it, my mom does!

[Updated on: Wed, 24 February 2010 17:58]

Re: When did YOU know?

Mon, 19 September 2011 07:07

Derrie

Re: When did YOU know?

Mon, 19 September 2011 09:10

sherri2780

Absoulutely by age 5, I was already expressing more neutral and was experimenting on crossing the gender norms....It was eventually through daytime talk shows that I was able to put a likely name to it by age 10. and by age 13 I was dressing daily,if only for an hour before my parents got home from work. even if the clothes were worn under my male clothing I was still more relaxed, and content as if I was winning a war,never occured to me the war was with myself until the last decade. At 15 I was positive of what I was, I was saving allowance and lunch money to buy clothes in secret.... and by 18 I sought help, it was mis guided and cost me some important years that I could have been on hormones, but it is what it is. At 27 I found help again and that puts me where I am today Smile

Re: When did YOU know?

Mon, 19 September 2011 11:32

Derrie

*reading back over thread*

*shudder*

Each time I read of gals crossdressing to relax and help them feel better I have chills run up and down my spine.

I claim that I never crossdressed but that isn't entirely true. When I was VERY young (before I started school) my mother did a lot of sewing for her grandkids. (Yes, mother had grandkids and her own kids at the same time) While they couldn't keep ANY clothes on me at all (I was called the "little nudist" Very Happy

) I loved to wear the dresses and outfits she made the girls. That ended with kindergarten.

Over the years I yearned to "look pretty"....dress up....just be.

The 2 (TWO) times that I truly dressed....clothes, hair, makeup....resulted in almost total meltdowns....to the point of triggering severe depression and suicidal tendencies. The last time was for Halloween back in 83'. A friend told me I made one Hell of an ugly woman!...it broke my heart...terribly. I buried the dream as deep as I possible could.

nuff' on that

[Updated on: Mon, 19 September 2011 11:32]

Re: When did YOU know?

Mon, 19 September 2011 17:49

Cynthialee

I had to see transwomen on the Phil Donahue show for me to understand why I was so diferant thatn the other kids.
It was litteraly a Donahue show at age nine that woke me up. There were 5 women on the panel. 3 had poor surgical results, 1 had acceptable results and only one had what could be deemed a good surgical outcome.
I knew inspite of the piss poor success rate that I was just like the women on the panel and I wanted to be a girl. I finally had that click moment that let me know what was wrong with me that day.
However I was living in a seriously religious household. I knew I had to keep my mouth shut and not tell my granny about it or who knew what could happen to me.
Mainly I feared being stoned to death because thats what the bible said to do with people like me.
The fact that I had never seen anyone stoned to death by the church hadn't made it into my head yet.

It took me anouther 32 years before I transitioned. In spite of learning what the issue was at nine. Inspite of knowing for a fact at 16 I would some day transition. I kept putting it off.

Do not wait as long as I did.
If you know you are trans...transition. You will eventually get to the point where it is transition or die and that is not a good place to be.
Trust me on this one.

Re: When did YOU know?

Mon, 19 September 2011 19:51

CarolynnL

Derrie, thanks for bumping this thread up.

Question, is the voting part of the poll still open so new folks can put in their part if they want?

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