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Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Thu, 31 January 2008 05:51

Gina

remember as I was thirteen I use to be a happy kid, I knew I wanted to transition but thought that with time things would happen as they had to happen. To know hat you have room for the future, to dream about it lives you such a relieve, the tension I had as a transgender kid I would release it by dreaming by making plans of the woman I would be in the future. Well I could never transition, I grew up in a small town, with a very rigid gender system, it worked for most of the people, small people suppose to have simple conventions.. I those days I did not do it because I was afraid of rejection, I saw the way transgender or gay people were treated.So then I stated to create a space in my mind were I would store all this issues, the questioning, my disappointment, all the information about transsexualism, my dream, my life. It really affected my life, since this space started to occupy a huge space in myself, I started to have problems focusing, I became very inconsistent,easy to get frustrated, and very negative about myself. At a point I was convince by a friend that everybody goes trough issues like this, and I was just weak.So I worked on this to re-define myself, I was a crossdreser told myself once, I'm just confused. But never worked.

This has shaped who I am today, every relationship, every choice.I have lost many things because of this, but over all my peace of mind.I asked you trying to project myself in you in the future..

I'm very grateful to all of you for your answers, to know that you are not alone, is such an essential thing...

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Mon, 04 February 2008 10:28

ZoeB

How did I cope? Good question, and I'm not too sure even now about the answer.

One part of me thought that being a boy wasn't too bad. Boys got to do lots of stuff I wanted to do. Girl in Boy Body? OK, so what? No big deal, many have worse things in their lives.

Part of me knew that the only way I'd ever have babies was to father them, and motherhood (or as close as I could get to it) was far more important to me than femininity. I didn't feel like a classical female as seen in the UK in the 1960's anyway.

Part of me looked in the mirror, and decided that it was far better to be a pretend-boy than the ugliest girl in town.

Part of me looked at the few TS life stories that I had access to, the entertainers and showgirls, and saw people as totally unlike this frumpy, geeky engineer as it was possible to be. So I couldn't possibly be TS, could I?

And part of me thought that I was a boy with this silly but persistent delusion that I should have been born a girl.

Overall... either I had to believe that I was a girl with a boy body that could never, ever look normal, a horrible situation that would have driven me insane, and killed me; Or that I was a boy with just a minor quirk, nothing important really, just this idea that never ever went away that the body was all wrong. That I could live with. Ok, it meant that I had to forget things: that I'd have bouts of sheer misery that couldn't be entirely suppressed: that I'd have to settle for being an honourary girl to my G/Fs, the "guy" they all went to to get the "male viewpoint": and of course sex was a matter of pleasing my partner, not something that ever felt right. But I could live with it. Besides which, it's not as if there was any alternative.

I'd still be doing it if my body hadn't started changing. But once an alternative opened up... I could resist, just. Then I found out I was sterile, and at that moment transition became inevitable, irresistible, and SRS a matter of when, not if. I couldn't pass as male anyway. I guess I just went with the flow.

I didn't know what happiness meant, you see, so I didn't miss it. Had I had any inkling of just how good normality would feel, I couldn't have lived as long as I did, as transition in Australia was impossible for someone with my build until about 12 years ago. Only those who would be gracile, pretty, and stereotypically feminine were accepted for treatment.

Hugs from the Zoe of Oz

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Mon, 04 February 2008 12:06

Rebekah

God, for the heartache and hurt on this thread. And the courage to keep going. I read through them all and just bawled. R

Re: Question for older transitioners..

Mon, 04 February 2008 13:36

Gina

Thank you Zoe,
I really find myself very identified with the way you put your process of acceptance. In my case has been like that, there is a long list of reasoning that I put in my mind to stop me from transitioning.In the process many concepts that we take for granted are putted at stake, values, love, ethics, and what is really transcendent.What is that is so problematic, gender as a system or our revel souls ?
Little by little I have been scratching items off my list and that is why I'm here making this questions..

Re: Question for older transitioners..

Tue, 05 February 2008 13:25

Anonymous

Anyone who grew up in the forties, fifties or sixties was pretty much on their own. There wasn't any printed information available, there wasn't any internet, there weren't any counselors etc. It was sink or swim by yourself and many couldn't swim.

In my case I knew I couldn't confide in anybody. I couldn't tell my parents and I couldn't talk about it with friends or teachers because I knew I would probably end up in a mental instituition. The subject was simply taboo.

I guess I was lucky because in appearance I looked like a typical male. I didn't have any feminine mannerisms so I came to believe that I just had to be a better boy/youth/man and the feelings within me that I should be a girl would eventually go away. They didn't of course but by trying to be the best man I could be I married, had children and raised a family.
I functioned fairly well and no one knew my secret until recently when the dam broke and all the pent up feelings came flooding out and nearly overwhelmed me. I didn't know what was happening to me and I didn't really know what transsexualism was until I learned from the internet. I remember how excited I was when I first came across information on the internet and realized I wasn't the only senior citizen dealing with this condition.

As an item of interest for all my years until recently I apparently subconsciously developed a macho image and mannerisms that were only a coping mechanism and not the real natural me. What I found very strange is that all those male mannerisms vanished virtually overnight when I finally accepted my female self. Now my mannerisms are very female and it happened completely out of the blue. My wife now says I am more feminine in my walk and mannerisms than she is, so much so that if I need to walk like a man I definitely have to concentrate to do that. I take this as proof that I have always been a woman and the male me was only a construct, but I still find it odd how easily I went from macho male to female without even trying.

To conclude I would say the young people today don't realize how good they have it because information and help is readily available.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Wed, 06 February 2008 12:20

Charlene

Perhaps I should not be responding here at all, since I have not transitioned, am not doing so (though some think I am doing it slowly, I disagree) and hope not to. Whether I can manage that is still quite unclear - my sense of that changes by the day, and even the time of day. But some of my experience may help answer the question.

I suppose the earliest reason is that I didn't know what this was. Whether because of very very early social conditioning and repression, or perhaps just the nature of my particular gender condition, I sensed from the time I was five years of age (and earlier, I think) that "something" wanted to change me to a girl. It seemed external. Then for decades, many of my experiences were similar to to Zoe's ... except that yes, "it" did "take over" rather often. I dressed from when I was eight or 10 or so .. though it was substantially subdued during my later teens and very early twenties, during which time that I finally got it together and became reasonably well socialized as a male. And I always managed to push my gender incongruities away - until my latish 40's, when it finally became clear who it was that wanted / needed me to be a woman. And even then ...

Quote:

Overall... either I had to believe that I was a girl with a boy body that could never, ever look normal, a horrible situation that would have driven me insane, and killed me; Or that I was a boy with just a minor quirk, nothing important really, just this idea that never ever went away that the body was all wrong. That I could live with. Ok, it meant that I had to forget things: that I'd have bouts of sheer misery that couldn't be entirely suppressed: that I'd have to settle for being an honourary girl to my G/Fs, the "guy" they all went to to get the "male viewpoint": and of course sex was a matter of pleasing my partner, not something that ever felt right. But I could live with it. Besides which, it's not as if there was any alternative.

Yep, on every point. Ah, but by then I was married, two wonderful daughters, and I have always been about my family. I think I'd have made a good Mom. Actually had a fair amount of loving fun poked at me with exactly that notion.

But even accepting that I was trans or something like it (and hey, I still am having trouble with that, three months into low-dose HRT and feeling considerably better for it ... go figure), I could not - still cannot - put them through this. Well, actually, my spouse is going through some changes with me. To an extent. Not at all comfortable. Does not know if she'd be able to stay with me if I transition. But it's not the threat of loss, which frankly I can't even conceive at this point, but the notion of the crushing change I'd put them through. Some have said that it makes no sense to be a martyr. This is not martyrdom - it's simply taking care of what I love. If change must come, then it will come as gradually and in a sense, naturally as the body changes I'm slowly undergoing now. Similar in a way to how we made the decision that hormones would be right for me, and that I should spend time as me (which necessarily takes me away from home, because she still cannot handle seeing me as Charlene).

Well, I don't know if this is helpful. It's another perspective, from someone who's still there.

Oh right, one more item from Zoe's post:

Quote:

I didn't know what happiness meant, you see, so I didn't miss it.

Well, I knew something wasn't right. As did my spouse; when I figured out that it was really a gender issue, she said, "Aha! so that's it!" And I have had glimpses - no, more than that - some real sense of what a relaxed, happy, joyful, confident existence might be like. It's coming clear that I need more hormones, and that I need to be able to act and even present as myself more (which I do not understand - why should presentation make a bit of difference? but it truly does seem to. less important as the hormones have their influence, but still certainly true). So I guess one remaining answer to the question is that ignorance - of what life might be like - has kept me from making the change.

Charlene

Re: Question for older transitioners..

Thu, 07 February 2008 08:08

ZoeB

Anonymous wrote on Wed, 06 February 2008 08:25

Anyone who grew up in the forties, fifties or sixties was pretty much on their own. There wasn't any printed information available, there wasn't any internet, there weren't any counselors etc.

What is more, what little information there was was often wrong. And if you didn't conform to a Doris Day stereotype, you were out of luck.

A few managed it. A very few. We're lucky to have one or two of them here on BL.

But for those of us "with ravaged faces, lacking in the social graces" there was no alternative.

Things are better now, but kids still face an uphill battle. It's up to us to make sure they don't get the same kind of rubbish we did, to ease their paths, even if we'll never look half as good as they will. Them's the breaks.

Hugs from the Zoe of Oz

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Mon, 11 February 2008 07:30

Anonymous

Rebekah wrote on Mon, 04 February 2008 15:06

God, for the heartache and hurt on this thread. And the courage to keep going. I read through them all and just bawled. R

Hi R,

Funny...This thread had a similar effect on me as well...

Could there actually be something to this thing called GID? The parallels are just too consistent to be a mere psychological trauma it would seem.

Hugs,
Joanie

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Tue, 12 February 2008 15:11

Skye

No Message Body

[Updated on: Sun, 01 February 2009 18:53]

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Tue, 12 February 2008 19:34

trans_mag

Skye wrote on Tue, 12 February 2008 18:11

I had surgery when I was 34. Why did I wait so long? Things are never as clear cut and easy as some make them sound.

Oh, Honey... You're *not* an older transitioner! I'm working hard toward having my surgery before I turn 56. I have pre-op friends who are much older than me -- the oldest being 68...

Here;s the thing:

I personally know pre- and post-op transwomen here in my town, who range in age from 19 to 74. And *every last one of them* will tell you that they didn't start their transition soon enough.

Why did I *avoid* transition? Unfortunate choice of words... I tried more than once and got slapped down *hard* by the establishment both times. Everyone and every institution that might have offered me help actually did all they could to *discourage* me.

I tried to come out and pursue transition when I was 17, back in 1970. A shrink who was supposed to be an expert in "sex problems" looked me square in the eye and said, "If you persist in identifying yourself as a man trapped in a women's body," -- the catch phrase of the day -- "You'll be branded a delusional paranoiac, labelled for life and never be able to have a career or hold any position of trust. You'll ruin your life! And if you tell anyone I said this to you, I'll deny it."

He thought he was doing me a favour, I guess. Scared me back into the farthest corner of my closet for another 15 years.

Then, in my early 30s, I had another major crisis and felt that the only way to save my life was to seek therapy and pursue transition. But there was no help for me anywhere and, again, everyone I talked to who was involved with the 'mental health community' (again, the vernacular of the day) warned me that I'd be branded a nut case, and/or become a pariah if I tried to move forward.

When I was in my early 50s and learned that my 22-year marriage would definitely be ending soon, I thought, "This is an opportunity, not a curse. I can cash in my life's equity and reinvest it on the real me!" And that's what I'm doing.

It wasn't possible for me to pursue transition earlier, because the world wasn't ready for me. All the support mechanisms and health care providers -- from therapists to endocrinologists to surgeons -- are now in place and GID is now considered a legitimate, treatable disease. (If only it was covered by government health insurance!)

We have a saying here in my town, especially among us older gals: "It's a good time to be trans!" Smile

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Mon, 18 February 2008 18:19

Jennywocky

Gina wrote on Wed, 30 January 2008 08:59

You avoided to transition when you were younger, for different reasons. What were you thinking? Was there some sort of consolation that helped you to go trough during those days, what was it? Since you could make today, I mean you are alive, I wonder If there was an specific thing you guys found peace on.. If this was so how did that shaped the person you are today?

The first time I really could have transitioned (i.e., had money, desperately wanted to, and really saw it as an option) was when I was 27 or so.

I stayed for many different reasons, some including:

1. I felt guilty over hurting my wife and very young children (and I doubt I would have gotten to be part of my children's lives).
2. I had been brought up in and had a religious faith that taught me that transition was a sin.
3. I couldn't stand the thought of everyone hating me or viewing me as an awful person because I would be breaking my vows and also changing my physical sex.
4. I was just scared that I wouldn't be able to transition successfully, that people would just laugh at me and I would be a freak.

Now I am 39, and things are different. My faith changed over the years so I no longer think it's a sin, I have relationships with my children that I think are going to persist past transition, and I feel "tough enough" emotionally to survive and thrive in the process. I also have grown more accepting of what body I have and am willing to accept its limitations.

At the time, I consoled myself with my family -- that I still had them -- and I focused a great deal on "accomplishing things," pouring myself into personal projects and trying to make my marriage successful.

I am disappointed that I am 39 and not doing this when young (having more of a life ahead of me), but I don't really regret my staying because it did shape me into the person I am today. There were things I needed to work through in the last ten years, life lessons I needed to learn, and I have children I love and who love me. I know what maturity I have, I might not easily have had if I had survived transition (and I think I was too weak to make it before).

The "me" I am now is someone who can take criticism more in stride, can take risks, is willing to start over if need be, isn't so caught up on success but just wants to live a fulfilling life, is someone who knows how to love, someone who knows what she needs to thrive, and so on.

[Updated on: Mon, 18 February 2008 18:20]

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 23 March 2008 14:36

Maureen

Suppression and denial mostly, in varying degrees at different times. Disassociation as well; I would just disconnect from those feelings, especially when the cross-dressing beast took over me. I'd do it for awhile (always when no one was around; I never got caught) then put the clothes, the persona, and all those thoughts out of my head.

Some people throw themselves into drink, drugs, or work. I did none of those. Sports: surfing, triathlons, soccer, were my escape from myself. And every bit as destructive as those others. I was a sports addict to the point that it ruined my marriage, my relationship with my children, and darn near my life. I sacrificed everything for the release that sports gave me. No weekend warrior, I had to be doing something every single day, to the neglect of almost everything else. Only when I was involved, and living in the moment, could I quell the shouting in my head.

The rest of the time, especially as I got older, and my marriage started to fall apart, I lashed out with anger. Ugly, irrational anger. I never got violent or physical, except with the occasional inanimate object, but I was a beast to be around. Consequently, I lost my marriage, and my relationship with my kids. They don't know about this "side" of me yet and my biggest fear is that I don't have the strength of a foundation for them to ever accept this, or me. They already view me as an asshole, so now I'll be a sick, deviant, perverted asshole. I plan on coming out to them in another couple of months and I'm guessing that'll be the last I ever see of them. My oldest son, who has his own anger issues, and a violent past, just may kill me.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 23 March 2008 18:49

ZoeB

Gina wrote on Thu, 31 January 2008 00:59

Was there some sort of consolation that helped you to go trough during those days, what was it? Since you could make today, I mean you are alive, I wonder If there was an specific thing you guys found peace on.. If this was so how did that shaped the person you are today?

My own life was in the toilet, unsalvageable. But if I could help others, if I could be a decent human being, well, my life was still a horrible, obscene joke, but maybe I could give it some meaning. I was beyond help. Others weren't. Oh, I was no saint, but sometimes I could make a difference.

And in the meantime, I tried to live a life as close as I could to the one I would have had had I had xx chromosomes and a normal girlhood.

This came in handy when I was able to transition, and my life hasn't changed as much as you might think. The only difference is, I'm me, Zoe. And Happy too. Now I try to help, not by pushing up from Hell, but pulling up from Heaven. It's still help.

Hugs from the Zoe of Oz

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Thu, 03 April 2008 00:16

Davinia

Seeing as the question was asked, here's a reply from a 45 year old girl from the other side of the pond. Back when I got the dream transsexuals were portrayed mainly as some kind of sexual deviants, to want to be one meant you were just a pervert! Almost in the same bracket as a pedophile!! A total freak!

Also, as with many others, I lived in a small town and whilst I was safe to walk outside dressed in the dark, to go out in the daylight would have led to me being seriously injured by the local thugs. I didn't have my first girlfriend until the age of 24 and I ended up marrying her to stop rumours that I was homosexual circulating and to see if I was in fact a man! I wasn't but the marriage came within inches of destroying my life!

It destroyed my career and cost me a fortune in money terms. However, my dream of womanhood stayed, but when the marriage fell apart so did I, having a huge mental breakdown.

That's why it has taken this girl so long to get off the 'starting blocks', but from anytime soon, watch this lady fly!!!
Jumping Smilies

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Thu, 03 April 2008 14:59

Hilary

Davinia wrote on Thu, 03 April 2008 00:16

Davina, I think that story is true for many here, myself included. Thanks for being so open.

Ps - which part of Lancs/ Yorks? I'm just down the M6 at Manchester.

Hugs, Hills x x x

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Fri, 04 April 2008 09:36

Aylwen

Wow... parallels indeed. I don't even have to write my response, just quote others!

Anonymous wrote on Wed, 30 January 2008 06:21

I mentally hamstrung myself. I disassociated my self and became functionally schizophrenic. ... No need for drugs for me dudette, I was already flying high in my own dream state.

Davinia wrote on Thu, 03 April 2008 00:16

Back when I got the dream transsexuals were portrayed mainly as some kind of sexual deviants, to want to be one meant you were just a pervert! Almost in the same bracket as a pedophile!! A total freak!

There was a part of me that knew what was going on the whole time, I think, it just refused to come forward and claim its primacy in my mental make-up until recently.

I know, I probably don't count as a late transitioner either -- I count the official start of my transition at about 18 when I started growing my hair out because I thought it made me look more feminine. I didn't start the medical part of this process for a little over a decade later but I have managed to suppress it through school, college, multiple jobs and even part of a marriage, so... same sorta thing I guess.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Wed, 28 May 2008 10:15

Kimberley

Excellent question. I grew up in the 50's and 60's. I had the c**p beat out of me as a young child for femme expression so like so many others who learn Guilt Shame and Fear I went underground.

I remember seeing Christine Jorgensen on television when I was in the 9th grade and it was a revelation; until my parents started to rant about what a sicko and pervert she was. I was shattered.

Of course I then overcompensated with the career and marriage with family and a place in the burbs. All the while I just stayed underground and suffered in silence.

When I was 37 I really hit the wall and all hell let loose. This was worse than my teens even. The counsellor I was seeing helped me through it and I decided I do without transitioning. It would have meant the loss of everything, then as now. The last time I crashed I ended up in a suicide attempt and that was the real beginning. That was 6 years ago. Today I am on disability for GID and hate it. I can only work part time and to come out there would cost me my job (contracts just wouldnt be renewed).

I rely on my therapist and GP as well as a few people who do know I am TS for support. I exist with the GD but dont know how long I can hold out. It is harder every day and the docs are strongly urging HRT.

Anyway, I guess the short answer is a life of denial and suffering. The hell of it is now I know what damage it has done to my children. Given what we know today, I would now opt to transition in my late teens if I could turn back the clock.

Huggs
Kimberley

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Wed, 28 May 2008 19:03

Kimberley

At the risk of splitting hairs here... no pun intended...

There is nothing stopping me from transitioning but there are factors delaying it.

First is money. I am on a disability pension and I augment it with some part time teaching at the college. They have a diversity policy of course but it is mostly designed for the students. The college is an old boys network of conservatism. The last t-girl to come out found her contracts were not renewed. Regardless, a 16K gross income doesnt quite cut it.

The option to this is self employment. It is something I am exploring.

Next to the money I have some things I need to do for myself starting with some weight loss. This should relieve the blood pressure problem somewhat. The prostate thing I dont worry about with spiro because that will significantly reduce the cancer risk and there is a history of it in my family. There is also some arthritis although it is minor.

The support systems needed. As you said, I do have my daughter and for that I am on my knees in gratitude. Still I do need more including some solid friendships with GG's. I think this comes to the socialization factor in transition. It is a process I am currently exploring and developing.

There are a couple of other family members who I would really like to have on board as well.

As to the big one; the marriage. I am getting mixed signals here. It is an area we are trying to work out together and although there has been some progress, I would like to see more. Anyway, time will tell with this one. It could go either way.

So those are the delays.

From a mental standpoint I think I could handle it okay but the engineer in me wants all the ducks in a row. I know... geeks! lol.

It has been an extremely rough day today so hopefully I made some sense here.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Wed, 28 May 2008 19:24

Charlene

You made plenty of sense Kim. We have some things in common. Though I am still resisting just for ... well, I dunno why. It is certainly family. It's also ... just my process, I guess. Things are sort of rolling forward anyway. I think.

This is painful, yes. And yes, HRT can help.

Good luck, I hope all goes well for you. See you around here, I guess?

Charlene

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Fri, 30 May 2008 08:44

NorthernJane

I can't comment. I was a total failure at coping and my life was in the toilet before I got out of my teens.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 31 May 2008 01:40

ZoeB

NorthernJane wrote on Sat, 31 May 2008 01:44

I can't comment. I was a total failure at coping and my life was in the toilet before I got out of my teens.

And after SRS you were flushed with success!

Hugs from the Zoe of Oz

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 31 May 2008 09:25

Kimberley

Hi Charlene. Yes, I will be bouncing in and out of this as well as other sites. I am not to popular with some of them because I will call them on their uhhhh... stuff.

I think that with a lifetime of misinformation and discrimination I just see it as an obligation to challenge these attitudes wherever I can. I think I just want to make it a better world for all of us and especially for the younger girls if we/I can make it easier for them in their lives.

For myself, I will take what comes my way on my terms. One of my docs is urging me to go on HRT but I refuse until at the very least the domestic situation is ironed out.

HRT is relatively inexpensive but then begins the more expensive procedures; electro, voice, FFS and SRS. Those I cannot afford in any way shape or form so HRT, as much as I want to start, would be moot if I cant continue the process. I guess I just dont see any point to starting then only being able to go part way; especially at my age. I just dont want to be a "failed" transition. *sigh*

Huggs,
Kimberley

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 31 May 2008 09:47

Anonymous

Zoe of Oz said:

"And after SRS you were flushed with success!"

I think something should be said, in reply to this statement, to ensure that newbies, for whom this forum is apparently intended, are not misled about what transition and SRS can, or will, do for them.

No respectable gender-issues therapist will recommend that a patient embark upon the practical phase of transition (HRT, RLE/RLT, SRS and primary recovery) until any pre-existing issues are dealt with.

Similarly, anyone who thinks that the root causes of all their other life issues are rooted in their unrequited transness is in for a rude awakening if they think that all the other issues will vanish in a puff of Fairy Dust when they emerge from the anaesthetic after SRS.

I am privileged to live in a city with a relatively large, very out, very active TS community and I have several friends who can attest personally (and painfully) to the truth of what I've said, above.

Bottom line: I suspect that Zoe of OZ intended her comment to be taken in a playful context. But I respectfully suggest that we must never forget, or minimize the fact, that SRS is *not* a magic bullet and should *never* be advertised as such.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 31 May 2008 10:45

Karen_A

Anonymous wrote on Sat, 31 May 2008 12:47

I think something should be said, in reply to this statement, to ensure that newbies, for whom this forum is apparently intended,

Oh there are a fair number of non-newbies here, but most tend to post mostly on he inner boards.

Quote:

are not misled about what transition and SRS can, or will, do for them.

I certainly felt elated right after SRS back in 1998. In general feeling better about one self often (but not always) translates to more success in many areas of life....

But I don't think anybody who is sane really thinks SRS guarentees success in anything though.

Quote:

No respectable gender-issues therapist will recommend that a patient embark upon the practical phase of transition (HRT, RLE/RLT, SRS and primary recovery) until any pre-existing issues are dealt with.

First IMO no respectable therapist would or should recommend TO THE CLIENT that that they start HRT, transition and/or have SRS. That HAS to be initiated by the client and not the therapist. That is how my therapist was and that is how it should be.

In terms of recommending the client to an endo or a surgeon (the "letters") the criteria are sane and understands the ramifications and the therapist feels it is appropriate for them, NOT problem free. Heck some things can not be worked out until after transition or SRS and some issues are simply not related to transition one way or other.

Quote:

Similarly, anyone who thinks that the root causes of all their other life issues are rooted in their unrequited transness is in for a rude awakening if they think that all the other issues will vanish in a puff of Fairy Dust when they emerge from the anaesthetic after SRS.

THAT would be a reason not to recommend IMO.

Quote:

I am privileged to live in a city with a relatively large, very out, very active TS community and I have several friends who can attest personally (and painfully) to the truth of what I've said, above.

I hear a lot of that on line... I live is an area witha lot of TSes (Boston area) and I've not know anyone with that experience.

BTW I'm not sure I would call living in a T-aware area a privilege.

Quote:

Bottom line: I suspect that Zoe of OZ intended her comment to be taken in a playful context. But I respectfully suggest that we must never forget, or minimize the fact, that SRS is *not* a magic bullet and should *never* be advertised as such.

Well no one ever accused me of being an optimist and spreading light and cheerfulness, that's for sure! Wink

But while there are undoubtedly are some who are that clueless, I think very few would take what so said as the literal truth.

BTW Are you happy you had it, if you did?

- Karen

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 31 May 2008 11:01

Hilary

Surgery may not cure all your ills, but it sure goes a hell of a long way to removing some or all of the stress associated with GID.

The hours, weeks and months following surgery were a joy for me! However, life goes on. If you were a pauper before surgery, you'll be a pauper after surgery.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 31 May 2008 12:52

Anonymous

Karen said: "BTW Are you happy you had it, if you did?"

Yes. Very. Getting on with my life and loving it! :-)

It's *you* who sounds unhappy -- maybe even bitter. I'm sorry your life hasn't worked out as you had hoped.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sat, 31 May 2008 12:58

Karen_A

Anonymous wrote on Sat, 31 May 2008 15:52

Karen said: "BTW Are you happy you had it, if you did?"

Yes. Very. Getting on with my life and loving it! Smile

It's *you* who sounds unhappy -- maybe even bitter. I'm sorry your life hasn't worked out as you had hoped.

No I'm not bitter, at all. My life is a mixed bag with good things and some difficult things, as it is for most. I tend of be a pessimist, but I have been that all my life.

BTW I noticed you did not address the substace of what I said about criteria in your response.

- Karen

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 01 June 2008 07:50

Anonymous

Karen said:

"...you did not address the substance of what I said about criteria in your response."

Sorry, I seem to have missed your point, there... What point(s), exactly, did you hope I would address?

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 01 June 2008 07:53

Gina

Hello Kimberly,

Is very reassuring to find out that our processes of realization and copping are similar.That was not possible until very recently; technology has made it easier for us in that sense.
I have not transisioned yet however, in my mind I am half the way. I feel caught in the middle of the road now, I am conscious of my transexuality, and to realized that puts you in a another place.Is not an easy place to be, you feel shapeless inside, to make a decision takes double the time, at least for me.I wait from signals from the outside world to react according to my actual gender presentation. In short this type of functioning is doomed to fail, someone said that happiness is the daughter of freedom, and freedom can be only experienced when you act according to what your inner self tells you,not in a narcissistic or selfish way; with maturity, being gentle to ourself translates into gentleness to the world.

I don't question it anymore, I just try to ignore it, I am not being fair with me, I am failing to myself.In short I am not free, I am aware now I have to act.
Gender is such a important and complex thing for us humans.
And we T's reality can see gender with different eyes, as outsiders, we can see nuances that not many people can see, this is just a byproduct of our condition, and I believe is great.

So Kimberly, when I hear the word failure this is what it comes to my mind, I just wanted to share it with you.

Thank you very much everyone for your input..

Gina

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 01 June 2008 07:58

Karen_A

Anonymous wrote on Sun, 01 June 2008 10:50

Here:

Quote:

In other words on does need to and should not have to have all their issues resolved before transition or SRS. All they need to be is sane, understand the consequences and (IMO) really be TS.

- Karen

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 01 June 2008 09:24

Anonymous

Reply to what Karen said about criteria.

Sorry... That sounded, to me, like a statement, rather than a question. Didn't realize you were inviting a reply...

Okay... First:

You said: "First IMO no respectable therapist would or should recommend TO THE CLIENT that that they start HRT, transition and/or have SRS. That HAS to be initiated by the client and not the therapist. That is how my therapist was and that is how it should be."

Of *course* transition, HRT and SRS should be initiated by the patient. But, where I come from, psychiatrists and therapists are, in a very real and significant way, gatekeepers, and we are, to some extent, at their mercy.

You misinterpreted me... I was speaking in terms of the clinical recommendation -- i.e.- a reference or referral, by a psychiatrist or therapist, to a specialist, for HRT, or to a surgeon, for SRS.

Second:

You said: "In other words on does need to and should not have to have all their issues resolved before transition or SRS. All they need to be is sane, understand the consequences and (IMO) really be TS."

Any respectable, ethical therapist will be concerned with your overall emotional well being. It would, in fact, be considered grossly irresponsible and patently unethical for any therapist to consider and advise upon your TS issues only, in isolation. Also, issues that may not bear directly on your transition *do* affect your overall emotional well being. And if your overall emotional state is impaired in any way, that will undoubtedly affect your ability to deal with the rigours of transition. Laying one's other issues to rest before tackling transition just makes sense. :-)

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 01 June 2008 09:45

Karen_A

Anonymous wrote on Sun, 01 June 2008 12:24

Reply to what Karen said about criteria.

Sorry... That sounded, to me, like a statement, rather than a question. Didn't realize you were inviting a reply...

Obviously my statements are opinions and I expect peopel to say something if they disagree... I don't thik I'm God! Wink

And such discussion IMO is what helps the lurkers.

Quote:

Of *course* transition, HRT and SRS should be initiated by the patient. But, where I come from, psychiatrists and therapists are, in a very real and significant way, gatekeepers, and we are, to some extent, at their mercy.

You misinterpreted me... I was speaking in terms of the clinical recommendation -- i.e.- a reference or referral, by a psychiatrist or therapist, to a specialist, for HRT, or to a surgeon, for SRS.

In my original post I made it cleat that might be a possibility and addressed that too.

Quote:

Any respectable, ethical therapist will be concerned with your overall emotional well being. It would, in fact, be considered grossly irresponsible and patently unethical for any therapist to consider and advise upon your TS issues only, in isolation. Also, issues that may not bear directly on your transition *do* affect your overall emotional well being. And if your overall emotional state is impaired in any way, that will undoubtedly affect your ability to deal with the rigours of transition. Laying one's other issues to rest before tackling transition just makes sense. Smile

Transition may help some issues and leave other unaffected. The issues that it can help may make one more able to deal with others if for no other reason than one has more emotional energy to address them.

Yes transition creates practical difficulties and is emotionally turbulent because of relationships, but it also often gives a huge emotional lift as well. It did for me.

A good therapist would know those things and understand that other issues are not necessarily contraindications, and that people deserve a chance at what happiness and fulfillment they can achieve, even if not perfect.

Like politics, life is the art of the realistically achievable.

- karen

[Updated on: Sun, 08 June 2008 16:59]

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 01 June 2008 12:50

Kimberley

Hi Gina,
It is very difficult with age, not so much with the process as with the externals such as relationships and finances etc. No doubt about it.

I am still looking forward though but as I said, it will be on my terms and timing, not someone else's. The whole therapy route has reinforced that for me and as I said before my pdoc and GP have both given me the nod to start HRT. I am the holdup and I have no hesitation about delaying it. It will happen but when is the question.

Currently I am exploring the options at work. I guess I will be testing the diversity policies in regards to profs. We'll see. If I was in a "mixed" field it would be easier but most of my students are fueled by testosterone and attitude. Oh well.

So it is a very slow process for me although a G/F said I really started a couple of years ago, I just wasnt totally aware of it. Good point.

huggs
Kimberley

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 01 June 2008 12:55

Anonymous

Karen said:

"Like politics life is the art of the realistically achievable."

Amen.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Fri, 02 October 2009 17:19

Cynthialee

I went to a shrink at age 21 to start transition. The bastared told me I was sexualy deviant. He told me it was a phase and I should get married to a nice girl and these feelings would go away. For years I tried to do as he said. I didn't engage in cross dressing. <not often at any rate> I 'maned up'. I married 2 times and never once did gender dysphoria truely go away. It took me 20 years to come to the same conclusion I did back then. I need to transition.

That Dr. messed up my life. I was only in my 20's and he gave me a road map to failure. I could have been a beutiful young lady, instead I wasted my youth trying to 'make it go away'. I f*cking hate therapists for this.

sory 'nuff said.

[Updated on: Fri, 02 October 2009 17:29]

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Tue, 06 October 2009 10:13

Elizabeth K

I was born in 1947. No one knew what gender dysphoria was, much less transsexualism. I was married and had children - forcing myself into the idea it was my duty to please everyone else, not myself - until I realized at age 34 - I was a woman and there was no way to hide it anymore. But at 226 pounds and 6'2" ( I have lost one inch) I felt it was impossible. So I just dressed as a woman - knowing I was NOT a simple CDer. [That is how I coped - and I first started at age 8.]

It took another 28 years before I realized I was going to kill myself.

That's when I went to a therapist. She offered options - I immediately knew what I needed to do.

Wasted life? Maybe...do have my children - though I did not bear them directly.

Lizzy

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Tue, 06 October 2009 13:02

Hilary

Lizzy - I'm glad your here.

As to a wasted life, well if your offspring learn to be more accepting, then 'NO' - your life has not been wasted.

Hugs

Hills, xxx

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 10 January 2010 11:01

Anonymous

By immersing myself completely in every and any project that I could find

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Sun, 10 January 2010 11:20

Anonymous

Everyone who comes into this world makes a contribution. Even if you aren't cognizant of it, you do.

Wasted life?

Neh.

Life is only "wasted" if you elect to end it. Cause who knows what the future holds? Who can say what great feat you might accomplish?

Is important not to get down on yourself. Heck, enough folks out there in the world who seem to specialize in doing that for you. Right?

So that thing is pretty much taken care of. You got "people", as the saying goes. This leaves YOU free to do the things that are important to you and it leaves YOU free to get things in order.

Of all the things that I have been through, I can look back and find something to laugh about in each one of them.

It's important to do that you know.

Feeling you've wasted years?

Nuh-uh.

When the opportubity is right, you jump on it and you be thankful for having gotten the opportunity. So many never get it. And you make the best, the very BEST of it when you get it. And you don't look back with any regrets.

Yeah. Would have been great to fix things years ago. I'd agree. But for maybe a thousand minute reasons it didn't happen. But maybe NOW is the time. You have to seize the moment push forward.

If you spend time looking back you are apt to miss a million and one tiny, precious moments of beauty in both the now AND the future.

There's so very much to see and to feel and to hear and to savor. If you're not paying close attention, they'll slip right through your fingers. Gone forever.

And then you'll wind up regretting those moments as well.

The past is best left to historians. The future belongs to each and every one of us.

Re: Question for older transsitioners..

Mon, 11 January 2010 10:40

Charlene

Hey, not bad there, Anon! Kind and encouraging. I like it! Thumbs Up

Charlene

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