Mhmm, for me there was a development, first weak signs in the early childhood, the earliest weakest one just being a discussion started by my little sister on the difference between girls and boy. I must have been 3 or perhaps 4, and i just remember the scene and the explanation leaving a question mark for me. Using my mother's cloths, her lipstick, her curlers () almost as long as i can remember, to some degree tolerated by my parents. But unfortunately less and less as i grew older.

With 10 knowing my name, with 12 when i was as large as my mother i enjoyed an intense cross dressing phase which has been stopped by my father, in my early Youth between 11 and 15 several attempts to find out something on "sex change" in the public libraries, with 22 a first coming out as a crossdresser to my (meanwhile and still) wife, in my 20s the awareness, that there would happen much more with my transness if there wasn't the relationship, also moderate feelings that a female body was more approprate for me, in my mid 30s sadness about having missed a chance to transition and considerations of counseling because of that need.
But it was still too early, i managed to suppress it for several other years, even believed that i finally had managed to establish as a man.
Then, with 47, the decision to "permit whatever was in me, even if that would lead me through a transition", and finally with 48 after some months of crossdressing and self reflection getting more and more intense i KNEW and permitted being transsexual during a some weeks where i could go full time to test myself. This was also the beginning of my transition.

Despite of that there was a development in the picture of myself. With 48, i defined myself being type IV applying Benjamin's criteria, looking back on that time now i start smiling because i see a clear expression of type V.

So i might as well have written "with 5", in my youth, my thirties or later. I decided to chose after 40 because that was the time i *knew*. My father was probably much more aware about my GID than i was.

Have a nice day

Beate

[Updated on: Sat, 03 May 2008 05:28]

[Updated on: Wed, 14 January 2009 09:04]

[Updated on: Thu, 18 February 2010 17:27]

Katie wrote on Sun, 21 February 2010 10:43

CarolynnL wrote on Sun, 21 February 2010 06:57 I was nearly 4 (1945) when I decided I was a girl. I was very confused because my parents and others referred to me as a boy. I told my best friend I "wished I could be a girl" when I was 7. I saw a 90 second clip at a Saturday Matinee about Christine Jorgensen when I was 10 and knew there was something that could be done for me. I told my mother a few months later and was told that it was evil to even think about such an ungodly thing. I resolved to never mention it to anyone again and just live with it. That resolve lasted until 2004. I set up suicides three times, the first at 15, the last in 2004. Something always went wrong...... Carolynn Imagine, being told by your mother that you are an, "Ungodly thing." Yes, I expect that might leave quite an impression.

I can not imagine how devastating having my mom say something like that to me.

[Updated on: Sun, 21 February 2010 19:02] by Moderator

[Updated on: Wed, 24 February 2010 17:58]

*reading back over thread*

*shudder*

Each time I read of gals crossdressing to relax and help them feel better I have chills run up and down my spine.

I claim that I never crossdressed but that isn't entirely true. When I was VERY young (before I started school) my mother did a lot of sewing for her grandkids. (Yes, mother had grandkids and her own kids at the same time) While they couldn't keep ANY clothes on me at all (I was called the "little nudist" ) I loved to wear the dresses and outfits she made the girls. That ended with kindergarten.

Over the years I yearned to "look pretty"....dress up....just be.

The 2 (TWO) times that I truly dressed....clothes, hair, makeup....resulted in almost total meltdowns....to the point of triggering severe depression and suicidal tendencies. The last time was for Halloween back in 83'. A friend told me I made one Hell of an ugly woman!...it broke my heart...terribly. I buried the dream as deep as I possible could.

nuff' on that

[Updated on: Mon, 19 September 2011 11:32]