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Home » Public » New Beginnings » Divorce - Tell the Truth, Lie or Run??? (Divorce - Tell the Truth, Lie or Run? What should I do?)
Divorce - Tell the Truth, Lie or Run??? [message #73349] Mon, 02 November 2009 23:23 Go to next message
jamiejo is currently offline jamiejo  UNITED STATES
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Registered: October 2007
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Ladies - looking for a little advice.

I'm a 33 year old MTF. This is my second time trying to start my transition. First time was three years ago. I had seen a counselor who was fully supporting my Gender Identity and was recommending I go on HRT (very textbook case). I decided to tell my wife, seh thought it was a phase, I got scared & stayed married (God I kick myself)

So here is my first big issue: I'm still un-happy married. Why am I still in this relationship!!! (Currently having anxiety attack now at 1:20 AM - this two hours of sleep a night is killing me)

I see three chooses I could make:
1. Ask for a divorce - unhappy in the relationship, no love, she has totally done a 180since we first meet. (Which is true)
2. Tell the truth about my transition. This would hurt both of us. My transition is going to be stealth for the first 6 months. If I told her she would broadcast it to the world - she is very destructive. This would devestate my family if they didn't hear it from me.
3. Lie - Tell her I'm having an affair. I think would be destruction on my behalf now. If I told this should would want a divorce but then I'm damaging my reputation and being hurtfull.

Deep down I know I need to do Option 1, whih will be the hardest.

If you have any advice or comments, (or kick in the butt), would be welcomed.

Thanks for being a sounding board.
Love,
Jamie
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Re: Divorce - Tell the Truth, Lie or Run??? [message #73350 is a reply to message #73349 ] Mon, 02 November 2009 23:31 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Katie is currently offline Katie  UNITED STATES
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jamiejo wrote on Mon, 02 November 2009 21:23
Ladies - looking for a little advice.

I'm a 33 year old MTF. This is my second time trying to start my transition. First time was three years ago. I had seen a counselor who was fully supporting my Gender Identity and was recommending I go on HRT (very textbook case). I decided to tell my wife, seh thought it was a phase, I got scared & stayed married (God I kick myself)

So here is my first big issue: I'm still un-happy married. Why am I still in this relationship!!! (Currently having anxiety attack now at 1:20 AM - this two hours of sleep a night is killing me)

I see three chooses I could make:
1. Ask for a divorce - unhappy in the relationship, no love, she has totally done a 180since we first meet. (Which is true)
2. Tell the truth about my transition. This would hurt both of us. My transition is going to be stealth for the first 6 months. If I told her she would broadcast it to the world - she is very destructive. This would devestate my family if they didn't hear it from me.
3. Lie - Tell her I'm having an affair. I think would be destruction on my behalf now. If I told this should would want a divorce but then I'm damaging my reputation and being hurtfull.

Deep down I know I need to do Option 1, whih will be the hardest.

If you have any advice or comments, (or kick in the butt), would be welcomed.

Thanks for being a sounding board.
Love,
Jamie



Do you still love her?
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Re: Divorce - Tell the Truth, Lie or Run??? [message #73351 is a reply to message #73350 ] Mon, 02 November 2009 23:46 Go to previous messageGo to next message
jamiejo is currently offline jamiejo  UNITED STATES
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Do you still love her? NO
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Re: Divorce - Tell the Truth, Lie or Run??? [message #73352 is a reply to message #73349 ] Tue, 03 November 2009 00:08 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Heli H is currently offline Heli H  FINLAND
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I think Katie asked the fundamental question. It is a matter of love.

And in order to be a solid relationship it must be mutual. You cannot love someone who does not love you back.

In any case my advice is to be honest and truthful. Your partner has a right to know.

Then we can discuss about the implementation.

To whom do you have to tell?
If you need to tell do you tell it yourself or do you use a therapist or a councellor?

I have good experiences about a councellor. He was a sexologist and explained my partner the facts that are involved in this bother. She had to face her feelings. She decided to try to live with me. When the time of my SRS came that was no longer an issue to her.

We love and are committed to each other.
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Re: Divorce - Tell the Truth, Lie or Run??? [message #73364 is a reply to message #73352 ] Tue, 03 November 2009 05:10 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Cynthialee is currently offline Cynthialee  UNITED STATES
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You don't love her. Just tell her flat out its time to get a divorce.
Do not beat around the bush, just come out and say I want a divorce.
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Re: Divorce - Tell the Truth, Lie or Run??? [message #73372 is a reply to message #73349 ] Tue, 03 November 2009 07:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
rach  UNITED STATES
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Option 1 seems to be the best for all involved. Like ripping a bandage off fast - over and done with...
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Re: Divorce - Tell the Truth, Lie or Run??? [message #73484 is a reply to message #73349 ] Tue, 03 November 2009 18:52 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Jamie is currently offline Jamie  UNITED STATES
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jamiejo wrote on Tue, 03 November 2009 02:23

Deep down I know I need to do Option 1, whih will be the hardest.



What does your therapist say about your marital situation?

Are there children involved? (alimony, child support)

Are you financially able to complete transition once you start?

How will transition affect your job?

How will transition affect your parents and other family members?

Jamie
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Re: Divorce - Tell the Truth, Lie or Run??? [message #73526 is a reply to message #73352 ] Tue, 03 November 2009 23:34 Go to previous messageGo to next message
LanieB is currently offline LanieB  UNITED STATES
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Heli H wrote on Tue, 03 November 2009 03:08
I think Katie asked the fundamental question. It is a matter of love.

And in order to be a solid relationship it must be mutual. You cannot love someone who does not love you back.

In any case my advice is to be honest and truthful. Your partner has a right to know.

Then we can discuss about the implementation.

To whom do you have to tell?
If you need to tell do you tell it yourself or do you use a therapist or a councellor?

I have good experiences about a councellor. He was a sexologist and explained my partner the facts that are involved in this bother. She had to face her feelings. She decided to try to live with me. When the time of my SRS came that was no longer an issue to her.

We love and are committed to each other.


Heli, what a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it.

Jamie, good luck whatever you decide. Based on what you've said so far, I agree that option 1 is your best choice. It is best if you stay in control of who knows when. So sorry you had that sad experience with her. Remember, we are all G-d's children, even her. Be as kind as you can.

{{{{{0}}}}}

LanieB
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Re: Divorce - Tell the Truth, Lie or Run??? [message #73529 is a reply to message #73526 ] Wed, 04 November 2009 01:19 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Heli H is currently offline Heli H  FINLAND
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LanieB wrote on Wed, 04 November 2009 09:34
Heli, what a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it.


Thanks Lanie

I am not here for preaching the happy endings. I am here because I want to help people. This bother, when it hits to any family or relationship is like a ripping tornado. It does nasty things to people.

As a rule an unhappy marriage does not survive this turmoil. But a happy marriage might have a chance if the members of a family do love each other and they want to see the future together. I might be an amputee for my partner and a woman in my own mind. Who cares about the definitions of the perceptions if you are kind to each other and show mutual love and respect? You cannot enforce your own reality to other individuals

In our case we have a lovely daughter. And we are both aware that her home is our relationship. If we maintain love she has a good home. Nobody count penises in the household, neither it is an object for taxation. If you can live your life together it is nobody's business. But you might face prejudices as my partner faced when she told to her workmates that she lives with a mtf woman. They said it is impossible but it is possible. It is also possible to turn their impossible prejudices someday. But you cannot enforce them to do so.

I posted my writing not knowing this NO answer. I don't know why I could not see it, maybe because of the slow updating of the internet service. Jamie, I think as the other gals here that it might be the best choice in your case to choose #1. If you cannot say it yourself hire a homely lawyer to do that for you.

Heli

[Updated on: Wed, 04 November 2009 01:36]

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Re: Divorce - Tell the Truth, Lie or Run??? [message #73544 is a reply to message #73349 ] Wed, 04 November 2009 05:18 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Derrie is currently offline Derrie  UNITED STATES
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It's wonderful to hear from you Heli!

Hugs
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Re: Divorce - Tell the Truth, Lie or Run??? [message #73643 is a reply to message #73484 ] Wed, 04 November 2009 18:05 Go to previous messageGo to next message
jamiejo is currently offline jamiejo  UNITED STATES
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All - I really appreciate being a great sounding board. I know what I have to do to be right for all involved.

Let me try to answer a few of the questions asked:

What does your therapist say about your marital situation? MY THERAPIST AGREES THAT THE MARRIAGE, MY FEELINGS, MY TRANSITION, ETC. IS NOT IN THE SAME PLACE AND IT HAS BEEN FOR A LONG TIME. THE FIRST TIME I SAW MY THERAPIST SHE WAS PREPARED TO WRITE A REFERRAL TO START HORMONE THERAPY. SHE WAS VERY IMPRESSED WITH MY RESEARCH, MY PLAN AND MY OUTLOOK ON LIFE. IT HAS BEEN MY DECISION TO WAIT TO START HRT UNTIL THE DIVORCE HAS TAKEN PLACE.

Are there children involved? (alimony, child support)NO CHILDREN, ONLY A DOG (HER DOG)

Are you financially able to complete transition once you start? AFTER THE DIVORCE IN FINALIZED, FINANCES SHOULD BE PRETTY GOOD. GREAT SAVINGS AND INVESTMENTS. SHOULD HAVE ENOUGH FOR DEPOSIT ON NEW CONDO, ELECTROLYSIS, HRT, FFS AND SOME OTHER SURGERIES. GREAT PAYING JOB + I WORK PART TIME JOB TOO FOR A LITTLE EXTRA PLAY MONEY

How will transition affect your job? CURRENT PLAN, START HORMONE - STEALTH FOR 6 MONTHS BEFORE FFS AND GOING FULLTIME. THE ENGINEERING FIRM I WORK WITH, I MAY SEEK A TRANSFER TO ANOTHER OFFICE, OFFICE IN SAN FRAN IS REALLY CALLING ME NAME!!!

How will transition affect your parents and other family members? I HAVE A VERY SMALL FAMILY THAT LOVE ME, BUT THEY LIVE IN AUSTRALIA (I'M IN WISCONSIN). YEP THEY WILL BE DEVASTATED, BUT WITH TIME I WOULD HAVE THERE FULL SUPPORT. THEY ALREADY KNOW I'M UNHAPPY IN MY MARRIAGE - PARENTS PICK THAT UP REALLY QUICK.
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Re: Divorce - Tell the Truth, Lie or Run??? [message #73664 is a reply to message #73643 ] Wed, 04 November 2009 20:16 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Jamie is currently offline Jamie  UNITED STATES
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You obviously know what you're doing and what you're in for, and I wish you well in your new life.

Jamie
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Re: Divorce - Tell the Truth, Lie or Run??? [message #76836 is a reply to message #73664 ] Thu, 26 November 2009 07:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
ChrissyQc is currently offline ChrissyQc  CANADA
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ok Hon

You are living what I basically went through 4 years ago.

So my advice is simple if no children are involved.

Point A- Your transition is your own freaking business, she has no right nore need to know. Especially since you know she would use it against you to destroy your reputation.

Point B- If no child is involved, she can't ask for child support.

Point C- You do not love her anymore which makes your life a nightmare and hers also

My advice is get a divorce. Once you are divorced get your shit together and start transitioning in stealth and take some time to tell your friends and family.

My Ex tested me when I told her what was happening to me before we divorced. She forced me to tell my at the time 11 yo daughter. Basically told me you tell her or I will. She has and will always be a bitch and she looks by the way you describe yours alot like the one you had.

So my advices is Run, split material thing 50/50 and never look back
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Re: Divorce - Tell the Truth, Lie or Run??? [message #81606 is a reply to message #73349 ] Tue, 29 December 2009 08:27 Go to previous message
Anonymous  UNITED STATES
Me, I got tired of lying and running ! Ive been out since 1994. The woman I married has tried to change me back as she never knew about one actually wanting the surgerury , hormones , etc.
Now today, we're seperated as she continually tried way too hard . Me , I had to dig my heels in to protect my personal space. I did it because I've spent a lifetime abusing myself and im out of the closet and no, I'm not returning !
Anyway, these are my thoughts. I dress and even though I had to stop the hormones due to medical issues , I still dress and I conduct myself as a lady as much and as often as I can , usualy every day . Everyones situation is different , I will support anyones right to have a fulfilling life ! Ellen
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