| *sigh* I don't know what I want... [message #81230] |
Sun, 27 December 2009 12:35  |
Anonymous  |
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No. That's a lie. I do know what I want. I want to be comfortable in my skin and I don't want to have to take pills or have surgeries to achieve it.
However.....that's starting to look like less and less of a possibility.
Last night as I was sitting and thinking to myself...a nasty thought came through...."What if my mind is the mess it's in because Estrogen is toxic to me"
Oh did THAT ever start off the cacaughaphany of other thoughts. Just a total uproar of "what if's" mainly.
For those that don't know...I deal with a "borderline personality disorder" mind. Many of the tgirls (my mate included) will talk about T being toxic to them and being bad fuel and now that my mate's on E she REALLY believes that she was working with the wrong chemicals all these years and that T is toxic to her.
Sadly...the first thing that comes to mind when I think about taking T ISN'T "well but that's not right for me..." the first thought is "but I have to work. I can't transition while working!!" It's totally more about what others will think rather than what *I* think.
What do I think? I don't have a clue. I'm a mixed up, mashed up, confused person. Compound this with....we have T in the house. It's a gel form that my mate was taking to get her T levels into "normal male" range. They were perscribed to her, and obviously she doesn't take them anymore. (She's MtF...so she's on E and Spiro now) and I just feel like...if I could take them for a few days...I'd know if I got that "this feels so right to me" feeling or...not. That's another big thing. I fear going to the doctor, and jumping all their hoops, getting on T and then like...freaking out and being all like "OMG this is SO not for me".....
Normally I wouldn't advocate DIY....and I'm not even sure it's a good idea for me to do because like, if I do that...and it IS right...as IF I'm going to set it aside and go "ok. Cool. That's right. So I'll start transitioin for REAL later." umm..no. But I don't feel READY to transition. It's more about other people will think/could think/might feel...gah!!
And then I look at the majority of men and how they behave and think to myself....I don't want to be them. But there are plenty of wonderful men out there...and it's not like I'd be any of them anyway. I'd be me. However that might look....
Then I'm super freaked out about my mate dying (It's a huge fear of mine just in general...she's 14 years older than me.) and never being able to find someone who would want to date/love a man...with a vagina. AHHHH!!
I just...I want to go hide under the table until this is over or passes or....leaves me alone.
Oh, and just for good measure...I'm super duper wanting to be pregnant right now. Yea. Awesome. SO CONFUSED!!!
(since I'm new here and not sure if I'm actually going to ask to join or not...I will say that I've been identifying as bigendered...though I'm now questioning that [obviously] My mate is transexual and actually recommended I put this here. *waves* hi honey.)
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| Re: *sigh* I don't know what I want... [message #81250 is a reply to message #81239 ] |
Sun, 27 December 2009 15:19  |
| Anonymous |
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| Quote: | My mate is transexual
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Could this be influencing you to transition?
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| Re: *sigh* I don't know what I want... [message #81265 is a reply to message #81230 ] |
Sun, 27 December 2009 15:51 |
| Anonymous |
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| Quote: | Quote:
My mate is transexual
Could this be influencing you to transition?
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Does it influnce me? Yes. How can you live in denial of yourself when you watch the person your most intimate with transition. Yes of course it puts it right in my face.
I think at this stage of the game I'd still be happily in denial without her transition. But everyone has a trigger. If you see a transexual on TV/movies/on the street does it MAKE you transgender? No. Of course not. Does it trip your trigger and make you question yourself? Possibly.
Sorry if that doesn't make sense...I'm writing through blurry teary eyes. I get asked that alot and...it just feels so invalidating of ME. As IF I would consider expensive surgeries, hormones and risk losing my job and family simply to be "cool like her"
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| Re: *sigh* I don't know what I want... [message #81275 is a reply to message #81230 ] |
Sun, 27 December 2009 16:15 |
| Anonymous |
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I'd like to....but I really want to be aware and careful. This is your space. Where you come and vent and blog and write personal things. While we're very very open at home....you still need some privacy. Maybe the mods here will consider privacy settings on the blogs so that you can write openly without me seeing that which you don't want seen. *hint hint* *nudge nudge*
I fear coming on here, joining here and either "taking over" (which...is a rather silly fear.) or making it so you no longer feel you can be open, fully. Everyone needs private space! Like hell I'd let you read my opendiary!!!! ;)
| Quote: | | Quote: | Quote:
How can you live in denial of yourself when you watch the person your most intimate with transition.
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This jumped out at me.
Read it again.............two or three times.
Guess THAT is the big question.
How can you deny yourself?
YOU deserve to have peace as much as anyone else.
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Indeed. I'm not questiong if I'm trans. I KNOW I'm trans. I guess...it's just a question of how far do I need to go, what do I need to do so I feel comfortable. My main question right now is between being "gender queer" and a "transman". I've learned from all I've read that.....the "line" between man and woman is a little more blurry than you'd think!!! So the question isn't...am I trans? It's more..."am I a man." That's the big scary question.
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| Re: *sigh* I don't know what I want... [message #81280 is a reply to message #81230 ] |
Sun, 27 December 2009 16:31 |
| Anonymous |
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Ok ok ok. You've been at this for months now. Fine. I'm signed up. There. lol. Pushy. :P
Man oh man....why ya gotta ask gender on there? And why on earth are there only two choices? *falls down laughing* I took it way too seriously and fretted as to which gender to select....silly, I know. That's me for ya!
I still think there should be privacy settings. Sure I can keep myself out of your blog....but it's just so tempting! I'd rather the temptation just not be there. Meh.
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| Re: *sigh* I don't know what I want... [message #81292 is a reply to message #81230 ] |
Sun, 27 December 2009 17:16 |
| Anonymous |
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No gin for me thanks. However...if you've got a good whiskey (and pepsi) I'll take it! As for banning Cyndi...nah. No need for that ;) *I'd* still have to deal with her moping about the house! We can't have that. You girls are too good for her.
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| Re: *sigh* I don't know what I want... [message #81301 is a reply to message #81230 ] |
Sun, 27 December 2009 17:35 |
| Anonymous |
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bleck! No Coke. I'll take it if it's all ya got....but I definitly prefer Pepsi. (though it's funny cuz Cyndi's a coke girl..hehehe)
Though I'm trying to slim down the body....it's sickeningly curvy. Almost wish I could enjoy it more because as far as feminine features go...it is nice. Although a touch on the "fluffy" side ;) Hense the need to slim down. This holiday season isn't helping!!! And the subsequent depression/dysphoria I've found myself in seems to make me want to munch everything in sight!! Ugh. I digress...
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| Re: *sigh* I don't know what I want... [message #81536 is a reply to message #81230 ] |
Mon, 28 December 2009 19:44 |
 Charlene
Messages: 2150
Registered: October 2007
Location: Santa Clara Valley |
Senior Member
BL3d
Resident Professor of Procrastination |
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Hi P.R., or OP, or however you'd like to be addressed. Welcome!
| Quote: | I want to be comfortable in my skin and I don't want to have to take pills or have surgeries to achieve it.
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That's my situation in a nutshell. I'll add, I don't want my social situation to change, either.
However, I am changing. Quite slowly, but changing. I ache for a proper female body, but don't want to go there (to the extent it's even possible). Estrogen is an immense relief - but after a diagnostic course, I stopped. Found I needed antidepressants - or *something* - but they just barely took some of the edge off it. Couldn't get by that way, so I've been back on androgen suppressors for somewhat over a year. They help some. My breasts are continuing to grow, also very slowly, but it's happening. I love it, it's a relief, but if I could stop it, I would. I can't seem to find the brake, much less the reverse lever. It's bleedin' agonizing sometimes, and sometimes I do just sort of break down and stop functioning. But I'm still getting by and will continue in that direction to the extent I can - whatever that is.
My family is certainly a large part of my motivation to remain as I am - or was - but I think there's something else in me that is just saying no. Not everything else in me is listening, though.
So yeah, it's a bit confusing for some of us. Seems to me you'll fit right in - thanks for the company! And again, welcome!
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| Re: *sigh* I don't know what I want... [message #81547 is a reply to message #81387 ] |
Mon, 28 December 2009 20:21 |
ZoeB 
Messages: 1920
Registered: September 2007
Location: Canberra, Australia |
Senior Member
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| Katie wrote on Mon, 28 December 2009 20:32 | | Anonymous wrote on Sun, 27 December 2009 14:31 | Ok ok ok. You've been at this for months now. Fine. I'm signed up. There. lol. Pushy. 
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December 2005 -- and I was sweating what the appropriate answer might be for my 'gender' field as well. 
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June 2005. And if I wasn't sure, I wouldn't have signed up at all. I just wanted to know how to go about it.
Some slowly bend. Others snap, and break completely. That's what I did. The decision to have my ears pierced was the decision to have SRS, and as soon as I could. Everything else was just timing - and as it turned out, I didn't have much control over that, either.
More importantly, some are naturally androgenous, and some are naturally the exact opposite. Both are equally valid, as are any of the points in between, or even abandoning the concepts of male and female altogether. Some people they just don't fit.
I fit the binary model really, really well in terms of sexual and gender identity. Biologically... not so much. But that's me, not others, and the facts say that not everyone is like me.
The key is to be yourself. Don't try to struggle into a category manufactured by others that may be the wrong size and shape. Tailor your category to fit you, don't try to warp yourself to fit others' expectations. Not even mine 
Hugs from the Zoe of Oz
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| Re: *sigh* I don't know what I want... [message #81570 is a reply to message #81554 ] |
Tue, 29 December 2009 01:20 |
ZoeB
Messages: 1920
Registered: September 2007
Location: Canberra, Australia |
Senior Member
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| phx_rising wrote on Tue, 29 December 2009 15:50 |  Thanks Zoe. I apreciate it. I've always walked my own path...so this is nothing new. Though I'd find it so very much easier if I could just fit into a nice little box...JUST THIS ONCE.
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I know the feeling.
Katie and I are 2 of the 26 known cases of protandrous dichogamous pseudohermaphroditism on the planet.
*Technically* we're not Trans... but close enough. Our transitions were aided by artificial means, but most of the physical changes happened naturally.
Protogynous dichogamous pseudohermaphroditism is far more common, by a factor of at least 100. And that's rare enough. See this CNN report on one of the two common genetic conditions that can cause these protogynous transitions at puberty, early in life.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/12/17/gaza.gender.id/ind ex.html
Those who fit in neither the M nor F boxes neatly are far more common still  Especially amongst people who are physically intersexed too. Maybe 10% of them are either effectively Trans like Katie and I - having been surgically altered the wrong way as infants - or are adrogynes on neutrius.
You're not alone. Not in the way you feel, and not in another way either. This place is... family. For those who fit in one or another in society's lesser-known boxes, but also for those who don't.
Hugs, and thanks for the kind words, from the Zoe of Oz
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Hense the need to slim down. This holiday season isn't helping!!! And the subsequent depression/dysphoria I've found myself in seems to make me want to munch everything in sight!! Ugh. I digress...
